Just Time Away

So far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're just time away

Long ago I reached for you and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
Oh, how I wish I could
But you're so far away

One more song about moving along the highway
Can't say much of anything that's new
If I could only work this life out my way
I'd rather spend it being close to you

40 years later...

Climb the Mountains with Me

Take with me each heavy step
Lift against the suction of gravity
Suck air from the icy gusts.
Reach and capture with eyes
A picture so tall and wide and deep
Bursting open your chest to knead your heart
Blowing your brain to fill your head with flowers.

Befriend with me boulders who shield
Thank the moss for cushioned landing
Tease the whistling mice with empty hands.
Discern and greet with eyes
An earth so artistic
Painting the forest you emerged from
Weaving the meadow you stepped through

Onto a canvas, into a tapestry
Where you and I appear
As little dots that we are.

Rediscovering Diana Krall

I've always enjoyed her Christmas album.... But boy, have I been missing out!  I didn't know she was a jazz pianist, too, and a great one at that!  Her low vocal and delicate piano improvisation are quite a different feel from the wild, earthy, and bright Esperanza Spalding I am used to.  Regardless, I love women who can sing and play jazz.... They're so HOT.

Nice big bossa nova arrangement:




Just when you think her flavorful opening vocal can't be topped, she comes in with a mind-blowing development of a sultry piano solo:

And So My Mind Wanders

All those grueling years of high school Spanish come in handy sometimes.

"Si Tú Me Olvidas" - Pablo Neruda

-----------------

How nice it would be to grab a Blue Moon with some orange right now, sit back, and just listen to music until the glass is empty.  First time that the thought of drinking alone had any appeal to me.

Alas, I have to go to school.  Yay Saturday.

Oh my gosh, I'm so ready for Oysterfest in two weeks.

To hear of someone doing well, far away from me physically and mentally, and feel a remarkable peace and warmth inside myself...

That, I think, is special.  I...  I......

I am happy for you for your happiness.


I need some sleep.

Favorite Facebook Status Ever

An acquaintance from coaching Walton Orchestra Camp a couple summers ago posted today:

Hug your family members and friends extra tight today if given the opportunity. It's hard to remember that we are not promised tomorrow in a stage of life when one is constantly thinking about the future. Enjoy life now and surround yourself with love whenever possible.

Over the years I've seen so many clever Facebook posts that made me laugh, think, etc.  Simple, relatively common message, but this is just what the doctor ordered for me tonight.  Thanks, God, the supreme being of the universe (or multiverse) who I believe does have influence on my life, for bringing me to that post after a nap.

Love conquers all.  I'm learning the meaning of that statement in a new way tonight.  It doesn't just mean that if you love somebody enough, you can sustain a relationship over years and over oceans.  It means that surrounding yourself and immersing yourself in love conquers insecurities, unnecessary competition, jealousy, disappointment, hopelessness, and the like.  It has been so difficult to remember to just love people and enjoy what I have been given lately.  It's true, I may never see anyone again tomorrow.  I may never see someone again tomorrow.  

Loving others over everything... over the splendor of nature, over eating well, over learning much, earning much, looking good, doing good...  Love conquers all.  Or better yet, we should let love conquer all.

Seasons of Life

Life is made of seasons.  Seasons never last, but they keep coming and going.  No need to think of a previous relationship as a failure because it ended.  Even successful marriages end with the death of one or both of the parties.  Afterwards, in retrospect, everything will have been something transient that colored a section of our life scroll.  With age we just collect more seasons in our memory and on our scroll.  Best to savor the current season and, if we must think of the past, think of it as a book of fond memories that each colored its own season.

Lots of fond memories.

Everything comes and goes but one thing.

The Best of Times, the Worst of Times

The best times of my life often also seem to be the worst times.  And vice versa.

I count my senior year of high school as the best of my K-12.  I used to feel a twinge of guilt every time I said that because it was also the year that my mother passed.  Indeed, her sudden illness and early death are the saddest things that ever happened to me.  But -- can I say this without being judged? -- her passing away was also wonderful, in a transcendent sense.  For the first time, our family bond was indestructible.  She said herself that it was the most she's ever felt loved and the happiest she has ever been, although I know it was also painful.  I was able to mourn and also have a blast the rest of my senior year because of the overwhelming support from friends, family, and the church community, as well as a newfound faith and comfort in the Lord.

Last winter was another such worst and best time.  I had just gotten out of the most serious relationship I'd had then and will have for a while.  But after a short (in retrospect) period of wandering and wondering, the new year began, and I was able to embrace my newfound single-hood, find a joyful network of friends, and accept the Lord's other blessings with open arms in the best calendar year of my life so far.

Field school was easily the best time.  Infinite supply of physical adventure, exhilarating tests of courage and willpower, and inspiration, beauty, learning...  But it was also the worst of times.  Yes, the the daily field work in the hot sun was difficult, but more significantly, it was probably the most loveless time of my life.  I did not connect with most people there, I found myself trying to be patient and love others but failing, I had self-image issues like never before... it was to the point where I forgot what the love and acceptance of my friends back home felt like.  Also in the midst of self-doubt and trying to fit in, my spiritual well ran dry and continues to be poorly supplied today.  Yet those six weeks were sooooo awesome that I would do it all over again -- do you see what I mean?!

So I want to remind both you and the future Na Hyung this:  Don't be afraid of the worst of times; it is almost certainly the best of times as well.  Bring forth the glimmering best times out of the worst, or wait for the best to take you over soon.  God -- I don't think He ever just leaves us with the worst.  He seems to always make it up with the best somehow.

Edmond:  I don't believe in God.
Priest:  It doesn't matter.  He believes in you.
- The Count of Monte Cristo

Before Sunrise and Sunset

I learned today that I really have a thing for realistic-take-on-romance movies.  Case 1 in point:  (500) Days of Summer.  Case 2 in point:  Before Sunrise and its sequel, Before Sunset.  I watched the last two movies today.  I cannot believe I had never heard of them before I just stumbled upon them on Rotten Tomatoes.  They are my new favorite movies.

There are essentially only two characters:  the guy and the girl.

1995, Decade-appropriately but not movie-appropriately cheesy poster

2004

What got me about these movies, aside from the superb acting and a script so organic that it seemed unscripted, was how I could listen to Jesse and Celine (Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy) converse and feel as though I just met two very interesting people and was now listening to them talk to me.  Multiple times I caught myself rewinding twenty seconds or so to hear something again -- not because I was afraid of missing a crucial plot element or a funny joke, but because I was genuinely so interested in what they were saying about life, time, the world, love, work, people, etc., that I didn't want to let a single phrase slip.  These people were extremely interesting to me but realistically so; the movie didn't have any of those Hollywood clichés, obvious gestures, and cheesy lines present in even the best movies...  it was almost like a very classy, extended reality show.  Only the best actors and writers could communicate such complex messages so believably -- so subtly yet clearly.  

Oh yeah, not to mention they make you think about life, love, time, and chance in a profound way.  I guess my main take-away was to not settle on someone but to try my hardest to hold on to genuine connection when I find one.  

I could go on forever about these movies.  Supposedly, yet another sequel is coming out next summer (!!!).  I hope they make one every nine years... or why not more frequently?!

In the meantime, please do yourself a favor and go watch both. 

(500) Days of Summer

Saw this movie two years ago as my first summer after college was beginning, and saw it again today with yet another summer ahead of me.

I love how realistic this movie is -- no magical, typical-of-Hollywood happy ending, no sugarcoating, no overly dramatic catastrophes, no miracles.  Two very relatable, normal (but abnormally adorable-looking) people stuck in a relationship with one-way love and two-way attraction.  The failure to commit despite the sweetness of the other's company, the intuition of the woman vs. the cluelessness of the man, the desire to remain friends with an ex vs. the lingering physical attraction, the process of getting out of a breakup to find yourself and/or find true love...  It's all so accurately and sensibly portrayed.  I identify with Summer completely.  This movie helps me make sense out of myself today and... gives me more courage to believe in my intuition about relationships.

Now I shall proceed to repeat to myself that last phrase over and over again in the next week...

This Valentine's Day

"Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop" - Landon Pigg
"Love in Time" - Esperanza Spalding

Let's wait a little while
And find out why we're waiting
Amidst those parading desire like a torch fire
Amidst those who scramble for love, all a flutter
When true love is something subtler we'll create
If we just wait

We can't rush a happy ending
That's not in our destiny's plan
Sweet this seems
We can't see the grand scheme of our lives
Which really are what we'd share if this romance is true
So take time to live yours
I will, too, while we...

Wait a little while and be sure we're not fooled
By the things we've been schooled
To take as signs that love's arrived
Like charm, wit, and beauty
Our youth made us seek them
But in truth we don't need them
We're in love, so let's take our time

Breathtaking

Don't
Worry if we fall
In love, we will never touch the ground
I won't
Worry if we fall
In love, we will never touch the ground
Just fall into a dream...

I can't decide if I like Esperanza Spalding better with an instrument in her hands or without.  Sighhhhh.

I Know You Know

A new all-time favorite song of mine, by Esperanza Spalding.  Love and admire this lady so much!

The way you look at me
When you think I'm not looking
Tells me
Your heart's a sleeping giant
Worn out by someone you loved before me
I see you're scared
Unconvinced by what I've tried to say
That I am yours
And that nothing will take me away

You already know
But I'll sing it again
I love you babe
And nothing will take me away
I know that you know
But I'll sing it again
I love you babe
And nothing will take me away

The way you always call me with some question
And every time
Try to pretend you didn't call me
Just 'cause I was on your mind
Too soon for you to say out loud
But I know
You love me
And though we don't say
It already shows

I wait for you to open up
But it's not a bore
You're just what I've been looking for
Why do you keep your head in the sand?
Whoever you loved before me that ran's
Nothing like me

The way you look at me
When you think I'm not looking
The way you call me up
Just to see what's cooking
The way you look at me
When you think I'm not looking
I look at you that way too
You just don't know that I do

I know that you know
You already know

Nothing Can Separate Us

Yesterday's sermon by Justin Grunewald talked about where God's love is when we are facing hardship.  The point was that, bad things happen to everybody, even His own son, and we just have to know that God's love is with us even when we are facing hardship, even when we can't feel it as readily as we can when everything is going well.  Sitting there at church, I thought it was a nice message but not one that was too relevant to me at the time.

This morning at work, my boss sent me an email saying that I am losing a tutoree because he's improved so much that he doesn't think he needs my help anymore.  That's three less hours a week.  I'd already been dealing with the blow of someone withdrawing from a math class because he found it too difficult (that was minus two hours of work), but this?  Aren't they supposed to reward tutors who significantly help a (star) student-athlete improve his grades?  Am I supposed to tutor people fearing that, if I help them too well, they will quit on me?  Five hours a week is a lot of difference to someone who started out with 15 hours.  I went and pleaded to my multiple bosses to keep me in mind if any replacement hours become available.  Then, worries about how I will pay my bills shadowed over me, along with how I will help pay for next semester's tuition, and when I will pay back what I owe friends.

I felt a strong urge to do my usual thing for when "hardship" hits:  text Logan, who is no more than a friend to me now.  But I remembered that I'm supposed to be learning again how to get through life on my own and felt so downcast, thinking, "Life's just too hard to get through on my own.  I wish I still had someone who knows and cares about all my problems."  Shortly after that I remembered yesterday's sermon.

God's love is with me, and nothing can separate me from it.  Today I have just as much blessing and love from God as on those days that automatically cause me to proclaim hallelujah.  Maybe He just wanted to remind me to rely on him.  Maybe he is giving me time to focus more on schoolwork or other good deeds while he takes care of the money.  Maybe he won't take care of the money in my time; quite possibly more "hardship" will come from this.  But one thing I know, he woke me up and led me to church at noon yesterday so that I will be prepared for today and whatever else that may strike in the future.  And that is already an evidence of His ever-present love.  He is in control, and I will never lose hope.  Thank you, God, for your love that is the only constant...

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

- Romans 3:22-39

Tracy Chapman Steals My Words

Give me one reason to stay here, and I'll turn right back around.  'Cause I don't want to leave you lonely, but you've got to make me change my mind. Baby I got your number, and I know that you got mine. But you know that I called you, I called too many times. You can call me baby, you can call me anytime, but you got to call me.

I don't want no one to squeeze me, they might take away my life. I just want someone to hold me and rock me through the night. This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need, but I'm too old to go chasing you around, wasting my precious energy.

Baby just give me one reason, give me just one reason why. Baby just give me one reason, give me just one reason why I should stay. 'Cause I told you that I loved you, and there ain't no more to say.

- "Give Me One Reason"

More Than Words

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you not to say,
But if you only knew how easy it would be
To show me how you feel

More than words
Is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
'Cause I'd already know

What would you do
If my heart was torn in two?
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say
If I took those words away?
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you

- Extreme

Until Lemons Become Sweet

Every woman needs to watch this.  It will be worth your time.  She starts out looking like she's gonna sing, but it's actually spoken word poetry (which is SO much cooler than it sounds).

From a 2005 Def Poetry show:

Watched so many great poems (watch a poem? strange eh?) today with two great girls.  I am surprised spoken word poetry is so little known... this stuff is amazing!

It begins to tell,
'round midnight, midnight.
I do pretty well, till after sundown,
Suppertime I'm feelin' sad;
But it really gets bad,
'round midnight.
Memories always start 'round midnight
Haven't got the heart to stand those memories,
When my heart is still with you,
And ol' midnight knows it, too.
When a quarrel we had needs mending,
Does it mean that our love is ending.
Darlin' I need you, lately I find
You're out of my heart,
And I'm out of my mind.
Let our hearts take wings
'round midnight, midnight
Let the angels sing,
for your returning.
Till our love is safe and sound.
And old midnight comes around.
Feelin' sad,
really gets bad
'round, 'round,
'round midnight.

- New York Voices

Richness

(I have wanted to post a few times in the past week, but I could not log onto Blogger for some reason.  Now I don't remember what I had wanted to post on here, and those ideas just flew away from me.  Poof, gone!  Sad.)

For a long time -- ever since I came to the United States -- I have been either insecure or frustrated with my family's level of wealth.  I went from whining about it to my parents or worrying unreasonably to reminding myself of "poorer" people in an attempt to deal with it.  "Look at all these trailer parks in Athens," "Think of people in Africa who don't have food, water, education, etc.," "Think of all your cousins in Korea who wish they could go to school in the U.S."   I felt better about it for only moments at a time, as if I had a nagging shoulder pain that returns as soon as the massage ends.  This weekend, I came across a thought that put me at ease unlike any other pep-talk I have tried to give myself.

I'm not rich just compared to these "poorer" people that I've been thinking of.  In fact, I'm richer than many of the people I have envied over the years for their extremely comfortable lives.  What good is money when you do not know love?  What good are regular visits to the doctor when he can't prescribe you something for that void in your heart?  What good is having all the clothes, books, food, furniture, and trips you could want?  The problems in my life -- how will I make the next car payment, where will I live, will I have money for gas, have money for school? -- they sound serious.  But they are all problems that will be taken care of in one way or another by the time the deadline rolls around, by the time next semester begins, by the time my gas runs out.   So far, praise the Lord, God has never failed to provide enough for me, and I have faith that he will do the same no matter what mistake I make or what hardship my family falls into in the future.

There are quick fixes for all my problems -- yes, the chances are extremely slim, but if you think that a single donation from a billionaire can make all my current problems disappear, the gravity of my problems lightens.  I am fortunate to not have any problems without quick solutions.

I do have all that is priceless.  Indeed, the best things in life are free.  Money can never buy the love I have received and learned while growing up, the love I can draw out of myself and spread to others.  I have the most loving boyfriend and girlfriends who remind me that money is just money.  Although I have a less-than-ideal family now, I continue to learn about love from it and have the dream of a most loving family.  I have the ability to enjoy and appreciate gifts from God, to laugh and be genuinely happy as long as the Holy Spirit is in me.

Praise and glory to You.  I am grateful to be able to say that my heart is rich.  I am enormously rich.  I want to help others' hearts get rich, too.  God, how would I do that this summer and the rest of my college years?  The need to fill up my wallet too often overshadows the need to fill people's hearts.

:09

The final nine seconds we count down in front of the microwave
Waiting for the dinner
The final nine seconds we devote to telling others about
Loving them forever
The final nine more seconds we may wish for at our last
Dying breath.

How differently we treat the same amount of time.  Here's to making the most out of every second.
Love cooped up inside is not love.  Here's to telling others we love them.

----------------------

HAHA

I just texted my dad, "I love you!"
His reply:

hey no play!!