Just need to get through tonight, tomorrow, and this week....  Almost certainly not sleeping until tomorrow evening...

Need to get these things done and out of the way so I can plan my road trip with my brother in a month!!!!

I'm living my dream

Why is it so much easier to complain and mope during hard times than to write inspiring words during happy times?  I have been on cloud nine for the past few weeks.  I have been wanting to write about this happiness to remind my future self and to perhaps uplift others, but unlike when I need to complain about something, I don't automatically know where to begin.

I can begin by saying this is new to me.  If you have known me during my four years of college, you will know how fraught with "failures" those years have been.  My freshman and sophomore years were filled with unsuccessful interviews and applications that almost convinced me that I'm not cut out for success or recognition.  I was afraid of wallowing in mediocrity for the rest of my life.  

Sometime between then and now, I learned that life should not and cannot be measured on a spectrum spanning You F***ed Up - Mediocre - Nobel Laureate.  I've learned that a successful life consists of --- cheese alert --- following your heart and immersing yourself in what you love to do: the thing that feeds your soul, the thing that makes you come alive.  (Aside from loving all others on this Spaceship Earth, yaddi-yadda.)  In the recent months, I have realized that the heavens up above have allowed me to pave a way toward success in that exact sense.  That is the reason for my happiness.

I will be researching earthquake geology out West with funding to spare under a prominent scientist.  Everything about that is what I have been dreaming of, both consciously and sub-consciously, for my entire college career.  This feels overwhelming, unbelievable, and right.  

I don't know what else to say.  I just know that this is a very overtly blessed time in my life.  And that I hope all my friends who are struggling to find their paths for the future can do so soon.  Take my word that if you feel crooked now, God is straightening you out.  During that process, you get pulled and squeezed and crinkled, but eventually you will become straight, and it will make you come alive, even just for a while.  

And I am taking full advantage of this while to savor life, goodness, fulfillment, excitement, and peace. Life will inevitably give me lemons again, but now I know from experience that even greater blessings will greet me afterwards.

Things Tenisha Taught Me Today

1. Who cares what other people might think about me?  What matters is what I am actually like, and the people who do know me as a friend know what I am actually like!
2. I need to tell others about my blessings as they really are, not some minimized versions of the successes, so that truth might inspire others.  Plus, I want to be someone who deserves the good things in life (i.e. someone who is appreciative and happy about them)!
3. How to twist hair!
4. The existence of a drink called "kabouchin" (actually kombucha)
5. I need to give him time.
6. Research opportunities exist so that we can help others in some way, whether it be philosophical or practical. I can't make it about what countries/regions I would rather spend my field seasons in. How immature for me to ever lose sight of things in that way!

Soul CD / Oregon in "Retrospect"

A friend told me about soul CDs last night.  You choose twelve songs that define you at the core and put them on a CD.  You can keep one as a memorabilia, trade them with friends, or just gift them.  People rarely make CDs anymore, but I think it would be cool to make one for myself.  I've made special CDs for people before, but more for the recipient, and never with the intention to define myself.  I think as a college graduation gift to myself I will make one.  It will be challenging -- twelve songs aren't a lot!

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The Oregon visit was good.  Good.  The beautiful, dynamic landscape was everything I had imagined. The people were even kinder and happier than I had imagined.  To feel like the most Southern person in a crowd was a new experience...  In that regard, I am definitely more comfortable back in Athens where half the people talk more Southern than I do.  But other than that, I almost felt like I knew I belonged there.  The active tectonic landscape -- the landscape!  Lush mountains and hills all around with giant evergreens, the Pacific coast with the white waves throwing themselves at jutting cliffs, valleys shrouded in fog, crystal-clear blue streams, and snow-capped Cascade volcanoes, all neighboring each other.  All the people there seemed to be outdoors(wo)men, whether their outlet of choice be snowboarding, skiing, surfing, hiking, paddling, or mountain biking.  Plastic bags are banned, you can literally subscribe to local agriculture for fresh seasonal produce, people bike everywhere -- refreshing things like these simply made sense.

Headed to Knoxville, TN and Minneapolis, MN this coming week.  I am forgetting to feel thankful for these opportunities but rather constantly fearing feeling too smug.  Thankfulness...  That's really where it all needs to go.  I can't lose that.

On another note, I'm thinking of making a new blog for grad school.  Should I stay on Blogger or move onto Tumblr or something else?

Only the Priorities

Life is short. Days are shorter. You only get done what you make a priority.

Arts & Sciences

The Fraklin College of Arts & Sciences at UGA always seemed like an unlikely combination to me.  Why were we lab nerds lumped with the artsy fartsy people with nose piercings?

I've recently realized that art and science are the same in a way.  They both involve something only inherent (I think) to humans -- delving into what is unnecessary for immediate survival needs.  I struggled with the "frivolity" of geologic research last year.  Why was I trying so hard, why was the government giving money out, to figure out how the Caribbean islands got where they are now, when there are sick and starving people in the world?  Yet, I never questioned the purpose and worth of a piece of music or painting.  Science for science's sake, discovery for discovery's sake is no more frivolous than expression for expression's sake.  Whether it is exercising our intellect to figure out why the land we live on stands here today or why that rock looks the way it does, or it is expressing our complex emotions and thoughts through a sculpture, we are celebrating and taking full advantage of our God-given gifts.

I also used to wonder why I thought Wegener's groundbreaking -- no pun intended -- theory of plate tectonics was significant to humanity, but not what happened to some Caribbean islands 70 million years ago.  Well, not every artist paints a Sistine Chapel or the Starry Night.  Not every painter is Picasso or Dali.  But are not our lesser-known local artists talented and important?  Don't their works also contribute to the expressions of humanity and influence other works in some way?  Likewise, whether it's landing a man on the Moon or finding out how a sea biscuit skeleton grows (actually went to such a talk and learned the true meaning of "excruciating detail"), a discovery is a discovery.  They each form a part of our knowledge base and influence other discoveries in some way.

A friend asked if I really wanted to be in school for the rest of my life.  I enjoy research, I really do so far.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

After hearing about the book for years, I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower today.

First, it made me think so fondly back to high school -- something I haven't felt in a while.  The teenage spirit, fresh youth, outlandish adventures...

Second, it hit home.  Friends said the end was sad, that the movie was good but dark.  I thought it was the best resolution ever.  I wish... I could be Charlie.


Well, here's to swinging off a rope off a tree into a green pool.  To walking miles on end into the night.  To night drives through Atlanta with The Killers blasting.  To sweaty school dances.  To violating park hours for night strolls and stargazing.

Ah, and soon I will miss college, too... The college version of moments of "feeling infinite."


Less missing and more savoring!

Happy birthday, Na Hyung.  Aging is a privilege.

I often can't believe that a career in geology exists.  How is it possible for something this fun to be lucrative?

So many blessings... Friends, family, learning community, nature, excitement for the future, active channeling of my passion... Heaven forbid I complain about anything in my life!

Musings in Myers

This morning, I refused to take the bus to school.  Instead, I slept that extra hour and drove to the Tate deck.  As a consequence I just rode the bus back to campus, so I can drive back home after 11:00 PM without paying for parking.

On the bus, thinking of where in the SLC I would situate myself and read new class syllabi, I saw Myers Hall outside and felt compelled to get off.  I felt like I owed this building a visit as a last-semester senior.

Well, it smells exactly the same as it did three years ago.  This smell of... woody cleanliness.  Everything looks so unchanged that I feel like I could walk up the ramp, scan my hand, and the door would still swing open for me.  Although I can only reminisce in the first floor common areas, this is enough for reflection.

In this building, Students of AMF started.  Our card-making, support group meetings, officer meetings. We met here for my very first InterVarsity small groups with the fifth-year senior Elizabeth (who I thought was so old).  For almost a year, I called this place home.  I would run into this building on a rainy day, shake off my umbrella, and end a long day of classes.  I would walk into the lobby from my end of the hall and meet up with my lover, coming from his end, so that we could set out for a run around campus or a concert at the Performing Arts Center.

Contrary to what many seniors told me when I was a freshman, I do not want to be a freshman again -- I don't want to have to re-learn about myself, I don't want to take freshman classes again, and I definitely don't want to be broke for an extra four years.  But I do dearly miss the memories from Myers.  In fact, I'm going to dearly miss college.  This is something I doubted for a while that I would ever say.  In freshman year, I felt like everybody else was having a funner college experience, making more friends, and finding their places better than I was.  But I found my own fun, friends, and "place" at just the right times and have had an amazing experience as an undergrad.  Oh my gosh, how wonderful college has been.  Of course, all good things must come to an end.  And the end is near.  I can't yet think of a brilliantly different way to spend this last semester.  I guess take time to savor each moment, not get too caught up in the little things to see the bigger picture, and take it easy and put high priority on loving my friends (= other students, professors, bosses...) here.

We should not dwell on the past, they say.  But I find happiness and inspiration for the future through occasional nostalgia.  Hello, Spring 2013.

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Excited for this semester's classes, too.  It's fun to walk into a class and learn about concepts you never knew existed, but it's even more exciting and satisfying to glance through a syllabus and think, "Oh my gosh I've been dying to learn about all of these!"  One of the perks of being far along in your major, I guess...

Might I Quote Thee?

It's cool how philosophers think, but most of the time, it's the doers who do the work. And of course you thought a lot after your mom's loss. And you probably still do. Once college comes (or right now, just in the summer), it'll be a good time for doing, doing the doing or doing more of the doing you did or didn't get to do in high school. Even social stuff is a kind of must-do scheduled-kind-of doing for me, just like homework is. But I never am tired because I immerse myself in what I do. I find passion through them so it doesn't feel like I'm actually doing something laborous. Doing work/learning and chatting with people are both fun.

Friend who will, by choice, never see this, thank you for your non-expiring pep talks and lasting inspiration.  And for re-shaping my life for good before disappearing into a fog that I can't penetrate.

Well, here's to immersing ourselves in what we do.  Here's to finding passion through what we do instead of feeling like we're doing something laborious.

2013 Resolutions

I wasn't going to make resolutions, but seeing a friend's list of a dozen resolutions inspired me to come up with some.

• Keep a calendar of 365 happy surprises again -- Did this in 2010, and it was great while it lasted (til mid-March). The idea is to write down one happy surprise each day on a wall calendar. I told my brother about this and he said, "But what if you don't have a happy surprise?" Bro, you are missing the point; it's less about the surprises themselves but more about the positive attitude.
• Laissez-faire on fading friendships -- What's supposed to happen will happen; what's not will not.  Meanwhile stop bugging people, and savor the friendships I do have at the present.  This will be even more relevant after graduating and moving away from Athens.
• Not take myself seriously -- But take my work seriously.  Laugh about my mistakes.  Understand that the important thing is not me but the issue I am working on.  I have gotten much better since freshman year, but still lots of room for improvement.
• Go on Facebook no more than once a day -- What on there is so urgent that it can't wait 24 hours?!  Nothing.  I'll save myself from drowning in the vanity of myself and others and instead use that time for actual face-time with people I actually care about.
• Stop biting nails -- I don't even know how anymore after failing so many times.  But seriously.  Mouth and hand don't go together.  Maybe since I'm making it a new year's resolution this time I can just... will it into success?!
• Drink occasionally -- Literally.  Drink only when there's an occasion.  Incredibly long day/week just ended?  Sure, have a beer.  Seeing a friend for the first time in months?  Finals ended?  It's your birthday?  It's your best friend's birthday?  It's Christmas?  First day at the beach?  Yeah, go ahead and celebrate.  But don't waste money, time, and health on nothing.  Refuse meaningless drinks.  I know how to have at least as good of a time sober, even when everybody else is not.

Sobriety

I will consume not a single sip of alcohol until every one of my grad school applications are in.  This is not just to motivate me to write my apps.  It is mainly because I do not want any more meaningless drinks followed by troubled nights.

Not for Christmas, not for New Year's (!).  I'm excited.

It's Not You, It's Me / Denver?!

"And he said, 'It's not you, it's me...'"  I remember the very first time I heard that phrase.  In some TV show or movie.  Probably in middle school.  I had to think a bit about what it meant and came to a conclusion along the lines of, "Oh I get it.  What a catchy way to say something."

Little did I know that I would use that phrase many times without ever saying the exact words, and that others would say that to me as well.  Little did I know just what a downer it is when you have to be in one of those situations.

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On a completely unrelated note, today I got a summer internship offer to work in Colorado.  Unfortunately it will be an office job, but geology-related, of course.  Just the thought of having my own place and living in Denver for a whole summer makes me willing to do almost anything!  (Colorado is my favorite state I've ever been to.)  In a way this is kind of an unbelievable dream-come-true.  The only thing is, for whatever reason, I had strong reservations about applying for the position for much of the process.  But now, after talking to my would-be boss, the position actually sounds cool and worthwhile.  I want to make sure before accepting that I am not primarily driven by the pay.  Have an honest heart-to-heart with myself.  I don't think I am.  But such a dramatic change in my attitude makes me want to double-check.

Getting offered a real internship with a real (huge) company for the first time does make me feel great.  But I have to remember to be thankful and not take credit for myself.  I've been given an incredible amount of support from my family and school, and I wouldn't be able to do anything without them.  (And I would like to thank my manager, and my husband who is watching at home...)  Also, God is trying to do something cool with my life, and I am faithful in that.  More importantly, I need to focus on grad school applications.  I think I have successfully cleared away all obstacles -- petty drama, overwhelming schoolwork, summer applications (!), excessive social activities -- now I've got no excuse!

A Tribute to Honors Projects

Darn Honors Option projects!!!!!!!!  Each one of them have been such a pain in the butt.  I mean, how much does graduating with Honors mean anyway?  They have been responsible for all of my college all-nighters, shortened winter breaks, late start of summers, general intense stress, etc., and this semester is no different.  This time, I am about to go to school to wrestle with computer programs I have never laid my eyes upon until the wee hours of the morning.  But the most frustrating thing is that this semester, it has been cutting into time I could be using for grad school applications.  I am over classes!!!  I need to apply to schools!!!  Darn Honors projects!!!

Okay, granted, I usually feel very grateful for these projects.  They are how I got close with all of my best faculty mentors.  And how I got really interested in geology.  And how I learned the most interesting things.  

But still!!!

Fine, it's actually all because of my poor prioritization this semester.  I have no one to blame but myself.  It's the last full week of classes this semester -- I'll sleep when I'm dead.  Or when finals are over.  All with the faith that everything will be worth it in the end.  That whatever's supposed to happen will happen.  That I just need to focus.  

The Shawshank Thanksgiving

Finally gave this movie the quality viewing it deserves.  Wow.  It is rightfully a new member on my list of all-time favorite movies:

• The Sound of Music
• Braveheart
• Schindler's List
• Titanic
• The Lion King
• The Namesake
• The Shawshank Redemption

There are others, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.

I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head.  I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.  I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand.  I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.  I hope.
- Morgan Freeman as Red

It's a privilege of a free person to be on a long journey with an uncertain conclusion.  And that privilege of life... merits excitement.

I have so many uncertain conclusions, so many hopes, to be excited about and thankful for.  Thank you...

Favorite Facebook Status Ever

An acquaintance from coaching Walton Orchestra Camp a couple summers ago posted today:

Hug your family members and friends extra tight today if given the opportunity. It's hard to remember that we are not promised tomorrow in a stage of life when one is constantly thinking about the future. Enjoy life now and surround yourself with love whenever possible.

Over the years I've seen so many clever Facebook posts that made me laugh, think, etc.  Simple, relatively common message, but this is just what the doctor ordered for me tonight.  Thanks, God, the supreme being of the universe (or multiverse) who I believe does have influence on my life, for bringing me to that post after a nap.

Love conquers all.  I'm learning the meaning of that statement in a new way tonight.  It doesn't just mean that if you love somebody enough, you can sustain a relationship over years and over oceans.  It means that surrounding yourself and immersing yourself in love conquers insecurities, unnecessary competition, jealousy, disappointment, hopelessness, and the like.  It has been so difficult to remember to just love people and enjoy what I have been given lately.  It's true, I may never see anyone again tomorrow.  I may never see someone again tomorrow.  

Loving others over everything... over the splendor of nature, over eating well, over learning much, earning much, looking good, doing good...  Love conquers all.  Or better yet, we should let love conquer all.

Seasons of Life

Life is made of seasons.  Seasons never last, but they keep coming and going.  No need to think of a previous relationship as a failure because it ended.  Even successful marriages end with the death of one or both of the parties.  Afterwards, in retrospect, everything will have been something transient that colored a section of our life scroll.  With age we just collect more seasons in our memory and on our scroll.  Best to savor the current season and, if we must think of the past, think of it as a book of fond memories that each colored its own season.

Lots of fond memories.

Everything comes and goes but one thing.

Respect / Grappelli

If we truly respected the human species that the Creator made, we can't just hang out in a little bubble of like-minded people.  We can't let the fear of change keep us from continuously seeking our purpose -- diving into and wandering outside the box of our perceived identity.

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On a totally different note, I have come to the profound realization that if I want to learn to play jazz on my violin, studying a hundred trumpet and piano solos can only help me so much.  Turns out there is a small group of phenomenal jazz violinists, in whose recordings I have started to marinate my ears.  One is Stephane Grappelli.  Enjoy!  The "fun" part begins around 1:36.  In my opinion, the piano solo is what's really brilliant in this video, but here's what jazz violin sounds like anyway.

Do what you want to do & Don't be stuck

A dear professor of mine put her teary-eyed face a foot away from mine today and firmly said, "You only have one life.  Do what you want to do."

I've heard that message so many times from so many places, but none pierced through my heart like this one did.  I will never forget it.

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"We humans think we're stuck, but we're not.  We're never stuck.  We crouch in a corner when we have this gigantic room to walk around in.  You can apply for this internship, and still apply for GeoCorps and other internships, too.  You can get a Ph.D and do so many things with it.  And why just think about the US?  You can go to Australia, Europe... The world is your oyster!  Go get the pearl!"

The Best of Times, the Worst of Times

The best times of my life often also seem to be the worst times.  And vice versa.

I count my senior year of high school as the best of my K-12.  I used to feel a twinge of guilt every time I said that because it was also the year that my mother passed.  Indeed, her sudden illness and early death are the saddest things that ever happened to me.  But -- can I say this without being judged? -- her passing away was also wonderful, in a transcendent sense.  For the first time, our family bond was indestructible.  She said herself that it was the most she's ever felt loved and the happiest she has ever been, although I know it was also painful.  I was able to mourn and also have a blast the rest of my senior year because of the overwhelming support from friends, family, and the church community, as well as a newfound faith and comfort in the Lord.

Last winter was another such worst and best time.  I had just gotten out of the most serious relationship I'd had then and will have for a while.  But after a short (in retrospect) period of wandering and wondering, the new year began, and I was able to embrace my newfound single-hood, find a joyful network of friends, and accept the Lord's other blessings with open arms in the best calendar year of my life so far.

Field school was easily the best time.  Infinite supply of physical adventure, exhilarating tests of courage and willpower, and inspiration, beauty, learning...  But it was also the worst of times.  Yes, the the daily field work in the hot sun was difficult, but more significantly, it was probably the most loveless time of my life.  I did not connect with most people there, I found myself trying to be patient and love others but failing, I had self-image issues like never before... it was to the point where I forgot what the love and acceptance of my friends back home felt like.  Also in the midst of self-doubt and trying to fit in, my spiritual well ran dry and continues to be poorly supplied today.  Yet those six weeks were sooooo awesome that I would do it all over again -- do you see what I mean?!

So I want to remind both you and the future Na Hyung this:  Don't be afraid of the worst of times; it is almost certainly the best of times as well.  Bring forth the glimmering best times out of the worst, or wait for the best to take you over soon.  God -- I don't think He ever just leaves us with the worst.  He seems to always make it up with the best somehow.

Edmond:  I don't believe in God.
Priest:  It doesn't matter.  He believes in you.
- The Count of Monte Cristo