Calling from a Place

I hear a calling.  And it's not from a particular role in the world.  It's a calling from a place.  I have to go back out West as soon as I can.  Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, Wyoming, California, Arizona, wherever.  I have been struck with the American West in June and obsessed with it ever since.  All I know is that whatever I do, whatever passion I pursue, I want to do it out there where the mountains are high, the air is dry, and the view endless.

Perhaps I am not allowing myself to get to know the South enough.  The depths of the forests, the current of the rivers, the mist-shrouded old mountaintops.  I will, I will soon enough.  But in the meantime, I can't stop daydreaming about what's out there on the other side.

I wonder if this is the kind of calling that my mother felt after visiting the U.S.  Soon after our 10-day summer vacation through California, Arizona, and Nevada, my parents started planning to get our family back here.  In her mid-30s, it was her first time in a foreign country, and even before our trip ended, she said, "Let's come live here."  And we did come back, just a year afterwards.  My parents didn't know what they would do for a living after leaving everything behind...  Reckless surely, but I think I might understand now why they came.  They heard a calling from this country.

I think I hear one, too...

With this realization I might very well cry on my next Grand Canyon trip.  Back at where it all started...

As long as I am still living in the U.S.,
everything is a privilege.

I think.

Is America really worth this much?  Subjecting my life to years of injustice and diminished potential and a broken family...

God!

Is this really what You want for me?!  Could I not carry out your plans better in Korea?  Is this the wrong path, or is it just a rough path with a safe haven at the end?

Published

Well, I got on the school newspaper last week.  That was pretty cool, seeing a glimpse of the newspaper business, learning to appreciate the nature of opinion pieces and journalism in general.  And having people other than my blog subscribers read something I wrote!  It's like public speaking with a curtain between you and the audience.  I definitely would like to submit more pieces.

Opinion piece on The Red & Black about illegal immigrant students and a recent state ruling

(Not a big fan of the picture, I will work out and lose weight before Christmas...)

The System

I can't.  Overcome.  The system.

What hope I had.  What plans, what dreams I had.  Lord, I still don't know.  After almost a decade, I still don't know.  When will I know?  Is there something beyond the boundaries of this country that You simply don't want me to see?  What do You want me to make out of ~15 years of this crippledness?

Today one of my students complained that she could not go to a retreat because she had to take her citizenship test.  I said, "You know, citizenship is a very valuable thing."  She said, "I don't care!  I don't want to be a citizen, ugh."  She's an excellent student.  I wanted to punch her...  okay not quite.  I wanted to argue but didn't.

I know that I am blessed.  Compared to most people in the world, dang I am living in luxury.  Compared to so many people in the world, I am basking in freedom.  Compared to most people in the world, I am getting a top-notch education right here in the U.S.  But who, with a teaspoonful of ambition, compares herself to the most of the world?




Ah..... okay.  Right.  God, You totally did this on purpose.  I remember now.  Do the hard right, not the right wrong.  Right.  Last summer, I saw it.  And it was my inspiration.  I've been so far away from You these days, unable to remember Your importance...  I guess this is how You remind me.  I am... not normal.  I'm special.  I am who I am, with relatively many resources, with loving friends and family, but with obstacles that ambush me and without many rights that others take for granted.  And in one light it seems like a terrible combination, but in another light it is just the perfect mix, something that differentiates me from others, something that gives me uncommon experiences and opportunities.

"Hardship"... yeah bring it on.

Perhaps God does not let me see outside the U.S. because there are too many things He wants me to see inside it.  And my time will come... He will set me completely free someday.

There is so much preparation to do.

I'm freshly inspired.  Hallelujah.

Away

Where crickets chirp,
Where fireflies glow,
Where nothing else is golden,
I want to go.

----------

Hey.  I miss being parky.
How you brought out the parky in me, I don't know.

Delayed Reaction

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This must be sort of like what winning the lottery feels like...  Except better.  Way better.

How?  How?  How should I?  How do I?  I do not know the answer yet.

Meanwhile... I praise You, Lord!

Shout-Out

Thanks, Logan!! =D

-----------------------------

What a wonderfully, wonderfully blessed day.  I woke up extra early for the first time in... I don't even know.  Fascinating physics class... transition to quantum mechanics (which is still an obscure term for me).  Heard Vera sing for the first time.  Inspiring news from a friend.  Cool concerto competition winners concert!  What!  Praise the Lord.  And I found this video of Hilary Hahn playing the 3rd movement of Sibelius.

Lesson Learned

Don't try to work during breaks.  When there's absolutely nothing amusing to do, you can get some work done.  When you have a chance to have fun, go have fun.  Do not reject it because you think you have to get stuff done.  You will either plain fail at working or end up doing something else not worth your time.  Stuff will get itself done once you're at school.  Breaks are called breaks for a reason.  Of course, if you took an entire summer "break" and treated it as such, that would not be good.  But Thanksgiving break is a break.

I spent the week beating myself up for procrastinating... should've just seen more people, gone out more.  It was just so weird and frightening to have procrastinated......... (HAHA the Stacey from last year would go crazy laughing)

Oh well, I'm still really blessed.  Winter break's just around the corner (sort of.  There's that big thing blocking the way...... called FINALS) and ohhhh man I will LIVE IT UP!!  Legal stuff?  What legal stuff?  Ugh no way I'm dragging that all the way to January.  I will be done with the old fight, win or lose, by winter break.  I'll sit here after finals and see what happens.  If I don't get a chance by then, I'm gonna completely completely completely completely forget about it until I get back.  And Dad can deal with it.  HECKKK NOOOO it isn't ruining my Christmas.

WOOHOOOOO!!!

Four posts today, I think that's a record

You must be a U.S. 

citizen, Permanent Resident or in the case of 

nominees from American Samoa or the 

Commonwealth of the Mariana Islands, a U.S. 

national to be eligible to apply. 

I've seen this way too many times. As if I don't have enough excuses to be lazy already. Wow, I cannot wait til I live in my own country (whichever one that may end up being).

Hmm...

And a new fight begins.

Blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite...

And green.  Lots of green.  $$$

Challenges -- short-term

• How am I going to learn five excerpts in eighteen days? I forgot how to play violin. Half of those days, I can't even practice. ...................................................................................................................... oh fruitcake. Oh well, guess it's my fault for getting so rusty that my violin-playing part of brain stopped working. But still, dang, this is a challenge.

• ... I knew it was too good to be over. I kind of wish there were no way I could appeal this appeal because I'm just so sick of dealing with this. This has been haunting me for almost a year now, with each step more challenging than the previous one. Why can't I just be asked to learn and "get involved" like everyone else... Oh, because my mother "unfortunately" passed away. Oh God, You'd better make me into someone really great. Wait, what am I saying? God, I know that You will do great things with me.

Let me think about some good things now. My printer works now. Yay. I get my laptop and iPod tomorrow. Yay. Uhh I have somewhere to live in. Yay. I have food. I have a loving family. Yeah, it's a heck of a hassle but I'm still going to a 4-year college. Yay. I have God. ... I have God. We have God. Hallelujah.