I love this world of thoughts and memories that I've built in this blog.  It documents my entire college experience.

But,

lightonblue.tumblr.com

I might come back here and write again occasionally.  We'll see.

Bye-bye...

Drowning

Transitions are always difficult.  Lots of transitions tumbling down on me all at once is... very disorienting.  I have so much to take care of in the next four days that I don't even know what all I have to take care of.  So, in the spirit of "who really reads this besides me anymore," I am going to list all of them so I can figure out what all I have to do!!

1. Renew expired driver's license - As of this morning, I can now drive legally again after a 2-week gap.
2. Submit my minor completion form - I can't believe they sent me an email about this this week.  I'm supposed to run around and get a signature from the physics office now, two weeks after graduation??  Do they really think that we're are just hanging out in Athens right now?  Well, gotta come back to Athens next week to do that, give away a drawers set, return a poster tube, fax a visa transfer form to OSU, and give my advisor a thank-you note and a CD with figures from my thesis.
3. Pack, do laundry, and move out most of my stuff today and move out any remaining furniture next week when I do all of the above also.
4. Find a place to live in Denver starting June 6th - DONE JUST NOW.
5. Shop and pack for week-long camping trip + summer in Denver + ~1 year in Oregon - leaving a week from today on May 31st
6. Submit immunization records to OSU - probably have to run around UGA Health Center next week for signatures.
7. Complete paperwork for internship

I know it is an exciting, blessed time, but it's just a lot of stuff!  One thing at a time, right?  I have to move out today/tomorrow!!!  Okay, I'm gonna start packing now.

By the way, The Great Gatsby was a great (ha) movie.

Just need to get through tonight, tomorrow, and this week....  Almost certainly not sleeping until tomorrow evening...

Need to get these things done and out of the way so I can plan my road trip with my brother in a month!!!!

I'm living my dream

Why is it so much easier to complain and mope during hard times than to write inspiring words during happy times?  I have been on cloud nine for the past few weeks.  I have been wanting to write about this happiness to remind my future self and to perhaps uplift others, but unlike when I need to complain about something, I don't automatically know where to begin.

I can begin by saying this is new to me.  If you have known me during my four years of college, you will know how fraught with "failures" those years have been.  My freshman and sophomore years were filled with unsuccessful interviews and applications that almost convinced me that I'm not cut out for success or recognition.  I was afraid of wallowing in mediocrity for the rest of my life.  

Sometime between then and now, I learned that life should not and cannot be measured on a spectrum spanning You F***ed Up - Mediocre - Nobel Laureate.  I've learned that a successful life consists of --- cheese alert --- following your heart and immersing yourself in what you love to do: the thing that feeds your soul, the thing that makes you come alive.  (Aside from loving all others on this Spaceship Earth, yaddi-yadda.)  In the recent months, I have realized that the heavens up above have allowed me to pave a way toward success in that exact sense.  That is the reason for my happiness.

I will be researching earthquake geology out West with funding to spare under a prominent scientist.  Everything about that is what I have been dreaming of, both consciously and sub-consciously, for my entire college career.  This feels overwhelming, unbelievable, and right.  

I don't know what else to say.  I just know that this is a very overtly blessed time in my life.  And that I hope all my friends who are struggling to find their paths for the future can do so soon.  Take my word that if you feel crooked now, God is straightening you out.  During that process, you get pulled and squeezed and crinkled, but eventually you will become straight, and it will make you come alive, even just for a while.  

And I am taking full advantage of this while to savor life, goodness, fulfillment, excitement, and peace. Life will inevitably give me lemons again, but now I know from experience that even greater blessings will greet me afterwards.

Let me tell you about pterosaur poop!

My senior thesis project is consuming my post-grad-school-admissions life, and I do not mind!  In fact, I'd rather be working on this research than anything else related to school this semester.  It's just frustrating because I wish I had more time to delve into all my questions, master the geochemistry, etc., but how often do we not wish we had more time?  I have to remember that my goal is to write a thesis and graduate so I can move onto bigger and better things and address even more interesting questions.  The thing is, I honestly didn't expect this question to become so interesting to me.  What is this indoctrination of insatiable curiosity for such random and obscure things?  I guess that's academia... and science.

Anyway, I started writing this because my UGA CURO Symposium talk is tomorrow, and I am updating a talk for the second time.  I haven't even started writing my thesis (!!!!!!!!!!!), and I am already giving a talk on this project for the third time.  By the end of May, I will have orally disseminated information about the Venezuelan island of Gran Roque (where I now am determined to visit one day) and the hypothetical pterosaur poop there at these occasions:

1. UGA Geology Club Brown Bag Talk
2. Oregon State University Open House for prospectives
3. UGA CURO Symposium
4. GSA Cordilleran Section Meeting in Fresno, CA

And in the next several months, I will have disseminated the same info in writing through:

1. My senior thesis
2. A paper (hopefully!!)

That is six outlets total, big and small, poster/oral presentation and papers, for this thing that I thought I might get to present a poster on at the Southeastern GSA Meeting.  Hard work?  Yes.  Am I going to be sleeping much in the next two months?  No.  Awesome?  Yes.  Exciting?  Yes.

The more I learn about my project, the more I learn how much I have yet to learn... and despite feeling inexperienced, stupid, rushed, and inadequate much of the time, I am enjoying this so far.

Also, I'm realizing just how truly nerdy I am becoming, and it blows my mind that, should I choose to continue in academia, I won't stop getting more and more nerdy until I retire.  I think my professors are nerdy, of course, but I can't even begin to fathom how nerdy they really are!!!  Is such level of nerdiness even healthy??  Scientists are crazy!  Every real scientist has to be a mad scientist...

Anywhere But Here

I have a make-up midterm tomorrow.  A real legit one.  In a hard class.  Worth 20% of my grade.

But my mind is on graduation, Tennessee, Minnesota, Colorado, Oregon.  On what to put on my office walls.  On what kind of furniture I want in my next year's dwelling.  On what I will spend my summer paychecks on.  On what kind of groceries I will be able to afford next year.  On potential advisors.  What will keep me warm in Minneapolis this week.  My future Tumblr account.

All this traveling has been mentally and physically exhausting enough without make-up work.  I'm ready for spring break.

I've always been mildly in favor of memorization, mostly because I'm pretty good at cramming info into my brain.  But not tonight.  I am not interested in memorizing details about different types of copper deposits...

Or am I...?

Soul CD / Oregon in "Retrospect"

A friend told me about soul CDs last night.  You choose twelve songs that define you at the core and put them on a CD.  You can keep one as a memorabilia, trade them with friends, or just gift them.  People rarely make CDs anymore, but I think it would be cool to make one for myself.  I've made special CDs for people before, but more for the recipient, and never with the intention to define myself.  I think as a college graduation gift to myself I will make one.  It will be challenging -- twelve songs aren't a lot!

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The Oregon visit was good.  Good.  The beautiful, dynamic landscape was everything I had imagined. The people were even kinder and happier than I had imagined.  To feel like the most Southern person in a crowd was a new experience...  In that regard, I am definitely more comfortable back in Athens where half the people talk more Southern than I do.  But other than that, I almost felt like I knew I belonged there.  The active tectonic landscape -- the landscape!  Lush mountains and hills all around with giant evergreens, the Pacific coast with the white waves throwing themselves at jutting cliffs, valleys shrouded in fog, crystal-clear blue streams, and snow-capped Cascade volcanoes, all neighboring each other.  All the people there seemed to be outdoors(wo)men, whether their outlet of choice be snowboarding, skiing, surfing, hiking, paddling, or mountain biking.  Plastic bags are banned, you can literally subscribe to local agriculture for fresh seasonal produce, people bike everywhere -- refreshing things like these simply made sense.

Headed to Knoxville, TN and Minneapolis, MN this coming week.  I am forgetting to feel thankful for these opportunities but rather constantly fearing feeling too smug.  Thankfulness...  That's really where it all needs to go.  I can't lose that.

On another note, I'm thinking of making a new blog for grad school.  Should I stay on Blogger or move onto Tumblr or something else?

The Fate of Excitement

I am so looking forward to the Oregon State visit in a week.  On the second day of the visit, turns out we will be doing a field trip to the coast!!!  The Pacific coast!!!  Wow.

I got so excited about OSU, despite having to give a practice talk this Friday and a real one there next Monday, that I started looking up everything about all of Oregon.  After feasting my eyes on descriptions and photos of its rocky coastlines, alpine hikes, mountain biking, public transportation(!), and whatnot, I thought to myself, "Wow, I don't know if I've ever looked forward to anything this much."  But then, I realized that just a couple of months ago I was just as excitedly making plans for my summer in Colorado.  In the middle of new excitement for a prospective graduate school, I had completely forgotten about the excitement for something more immediate and certain in my future.  That made me feel both incredulous about what a good place in life I am in and a bit afraid that I would start taking any of these immense blessings for granted.  If enough of these exciting things happen in my life, will I stop finding them exciting?  How sad will that be?  Is this why elderly people are more chill about everything?

I don't ever want to forget about my first excitements.  In my childhood, it was my first plane ride. I remember not being able to stop grinning ear to ear on the long ride to the airport.  I was thinking about my dad telling me about his business trips abroad, and how you could see the clouds next to you and below you on an airplane.  Some people are deathly afraid of plane rides, and some just don't like them.  But I somehow guessed right that I would love them.  Twelve years and many more flights later, I still find flying exhilarating.  I brace myself for every takeoff, watch the other landing strips whoosh by, and joyfully scream inside as I feel the wheels leave the ground.  And as long as I can see something outside, I cannot sleep on a plane because I will be taking photos of clouds, mountaintops, and rivers constantly.

I hope that is the fate for all my other excitements.  I hope that is not too much for me to ask.

And So My Mind Wanders

All those grueling years of high school Spanish come in handy sometimes.

"Si Tú Me Olvidas" - Pablo Neruda

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How nice it would be to grab a Blue Moon with some orange right now, sit back, and just listen to music until the glass is empty.  First time that the thought of drinking alone had any appeal to me.

Alas, I have to go to school.  Yay Saturday.

Oh my gosh, I'm so ready for Oysterfest in two weeks.

Oregon Bound (For Now)

Unbelievable.

I will be on the West Coast in two weeks.

Corvallis, OR, overlooking Oregon State campus

This is crazy.  And awesome.

Ran around the building today.  Did silent screams and foot claps.

If my mom has been watching over me today, I know she must be having a happy birthday.

City of Roses, see you soon.

Admissions! / Microscopy Woes

Unlike on Facebook, I won't feel guilty of boasting if I post this stuff here.  Well, I guess it is technically boasting, too, but so few people read this blog -- and they do it voluntarily, I think -- that I think of it as just sharing the exciting things in my life like any other time I write on here.

Okay, so I just wrote some stuff about where I've been accepted to, but suddenly the slim possibility of people related to these schools somehow reaching my blog and reading my frank thoughts about each school dawned upon me, and I shouldn't risk that.  Darn!

Well, I'll say I am going to grad school next fall and leave it at that!  Okay, and that I am visiting Minnesota in March.  Very thankful for this.

I think it's also safe to say that, while I haven't been accepted to Oregon State, I have high hopes that I will be.

I am learning that grad school applications didn't end when I sent in all my stuff and money.  Most schools are on tight budgets, and they are very careful about whom they decide to offer admission to.  I have had lengthy phone calls and many email exchanges with prospective advisors at two schools since they reviewed my file, and neither have a definite answer for me yet.  Those interactions were just as important and nerve-wracking as the actual applications.  One has sent me a paper and former students' contacts.  I am excited to read the paper and hear the deal-io about working with him, but it's like... "Man, I thought I was done with this!" "Let me do some homework now!"... kind of, haha.  Ah, rarely is life so simple.

Yes, it is much better to be not done and potentially be in a have-to-make-decisions position than have five rejection letters (or emails -- I feel like nobody mails things anymore) in my hand and be done that way.  I do feel very fortunate, and I would be excited to go to any school I applied to.  Some more than others, of course.

Overall this is a very exciting (word of the day, y'all) time for me, and I really don't know whom to thank other than a supreme being who is in control of all that happens.  Thank you God, for giving me a direction for my path, paving that path, and giving me a light so I can walk on it.  Happily.

--------------

I did not anticipate economic geology to take such a toll on my body.  Economic geology is also known as "ore deposits class."  We look at polished slivers of rocks from all kinds of mines under a ginormous microscope that I can barely lift out of the cabinet.  For a three-hour lab period.  Except I came in an hour early and made it four hours today.  And I came in Sunday night and spent three hours... examining three rock samples!

First, the eyes.  The different light switches in the microscope keep making me blind myself accidentally.  A rock microscope has a circular stage you rotate, which means you are constantly staring down into something either way too bright or too dim -- depending on your polarizer setting -- that is spinning. So, after blinding myself four times with sudden floods of light and watching spinning crystals intently for hours, the words in my textbook looked hazy for a few moments.  Second, I am convinced this terrible crick in my neck is from craning it to look into this really tall microscope... despite that I had been sitting on a 980-page book on my chair.  Also I've been sleep deprived, but that may or may not be because of this class.  I love geology, I promise... just not microscopes...

A view through the scope... This is the kind of rock we get our copper and nickel from.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

After hearing about the book for years, I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower today.

First, it made me think so fondly back to high school -- something I haven't felt in a while.  The teenage spirit, fresh youth, outlandish adventures...

Second, it hit home.  Friends said the end was sad, that the movie was good but dark.  I thought it was the best resolution ever.  I wish... I could be Charlie.


Well, here's to swinging off a rope off a tree into a green pool.  To walking miles on end into the night.  To night drives through Atlanta with The Killers blasting.  To sweaty school dances.  To violating park hours for night strolls and stargazing.

Ah, and soon I will miss college, too... The college version of moments of "feeling infinite."


Less missing and more savoring!

Happy birthday, Na Hyung.  Aging is a privilege.

I often can't believe that a career in geology exists.  How is it possible for something this fun to be lucrative?

So many blessings... Friends, family, learning community, nature, excitement for the future, active channeling of my passion... Heaven forbid I complain about anything in my life!

Musings in Myers

This morning, I refused to take the bus to school.  Instead, I slept that extra hour and drove to the Tate deck.  As a consequence I just rode the bus back to campus, so I can drive back home after 11:00 PM without paying for parking.

On the bus, thinking of where in the SLC I would situate myself and read new class syllabi, I saw Myers Hall outside and felt compelled to get off.  I felt like I owed this building a visit as a last-semester senior.

Well, it smells exactly the same as it did three years ago.  This smell of... woody cleanliness.  Everything looks so unchanged that I feel like I could walk up the ramp, scan my hand, and the door would still swing open for me.  Although I can only reminisce in the first floor common areas, this is enough for reflection.

In this building, Students of AMF started.  Our card-making, support group meetings, officer meetings. We met here for my very first InterVarsity small groups with the fifth-year senior Elizabeth (who I thought was so old).  For almost a year, I called this place home.  I would run into this building on a rainy day, shake off my umbrella, and end a long day of classes.  I would walk into the lobby from my end of the hall and meet up with my lover, coming from his end, so that we could set out for a run around campus or a concert at the Performing Arts Center.

Contrary to what many seniors told me when I was a freshman, I do not want to be a freshman again -- I don't want to have to re-learn about myself, I don't want to take freshman classes again, and I definitely don't want to be broke for an extra four years.  But I do dearly miss the memories from Myers.  In fact, I'm going to dearly miss college.  This is something I doubted for a while that I would ever say.  In freshman year, I felt like everybody else was having a funner college experience, making more friends, and finding their places better than I was.  But I found my own fun, friends, and "place" at just the right times and have had an amazing experience as an undergrad.  Oh my gosh, how wonderful college has been.  Of course, all good things must come to an end.  And the end is near.  I can't yet think of a brilliantly different way to spend this last semester.  I guess take time to savor each moment, not get too caught up in the little things to see the bigger picture, and take it easy and put high priority on loving my friends (= other students, professors, bosses...) here.

We should not dwell on the past, they say.  But I find happiness and inspiration for the future through occasional nostalgia.  Hello, Spring 2013.

---------

Excited for this semester's classes, too.  It's fun to walk into a class and learn about concepts you never knew existed, but it's even more exciting and satisfying to glance through a syllabus and think, "Oh my gosh I've been dying to learn about all of these!"  One of the perks of being far along in your major, I guess...

2013 Resolutions

I wasn't going to make resolutions, but seeing a friend's list of a dozen resolutions inspired me to come up with some.

• Keep a calendar of 365 happy surprises again -- Did this in 2010, and it was great while it lasted (til mid-March). The idea is to write down one happy surprise each day on a wall calendar. I told my brother about this and he said, "But what if you don't have a happy surprise?" Bro, you are missing the point; it's less about the surprises themselves but more about the positive attitude.
• Laissez-faire on fading friendships -- What's supposed to happen will happen; what's not will not.  Meanwhile stop bugging people, and savor the friendships I do have at the present.  This will be even more relevant after graduating and moving away from Athens.
• Not take myself seriously -- But take my work seriously.  Laugh about my mistakes.  Understand that the important thing is not me but the issue I am working on.  I have gotten much better since freshman year, but still lots of room for improvement.
• Go on Facebook no more than once a day -- What on there is so urgent that it can't wait 24 hours?!  Nothing.  I'll save myself from drowning in the vanity of myself and others and instead use that time for actual face-time with people I actually care about.
• Stop biting nails -- I don't even know how anymore after failing so many times.  But seriously.  Mouth and hand don't go together.  Maybe since I'm making it a new year's resolution this time I can just... will it into success?!
• Drink occasionally -- Literally.  Drink only when there's an occasion.  Incredibly long day/week just ended?  Sure, have a beer.  Seeing a friend for the first time in months?  Finals ended?  It's your birthday?  It's your best friend's birthday?  It's Christmas?  First day at the beach?  Yeah, go ahead and celebrate.  But don't waste money, time, and health on nothing.  Refuse meaningless drinks.  I know how to have at least as good of a time sober, even when everybody else is not.

Sobriety

I will consume not a single sip of alcohol until every one of my grad school applications are in.  This is not just to motivate me to write my apps.  It is mainly because I do not want any more meaningless drinks followed by troubled nights.

Not for Christmas, not for New Year's (!).  I'm excited.

Pop Quiz!

• What are your career goals?
• What do you want to research and why?  Who are you gonna work with for that?
• What makes you prepared for this graduate program?
• Why do you want to go to grad school anyway?
• What are your immediate academic goals?
• Do you have any special skills?
• While you're at it, please inject personality into your answers so that they don't sound like everybody else's.

Ready, set, go!

BLAH...  Here you go.  =)

Oh, if only I could just barf it out like so.

It's Not You, It's Me / Denver?!

"And he said, 'It's not you, it's me...'"  I remember the very first time I heard that phrase.  In some TV show or movie.  Probably in middle school.  I had to think a bit about what it meant and came to a conclusion along the lines of, "Oh I get it.  What a catchy way to say something."

Little did I know that I would use that phrase many times without ever saying the exact words, and that others would say that to me as well.  Little did I know just what a downer it is when you have to be in one of those situations.

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On a completely unrelated note, today I got a summer internship offer to work in Colorado.  Unfortunately it will be an office job, but geology-related, of course.  Just the thought of having my own place and living in Denver for a whole summer makes me willing to do almost anything!  (Colorado is my favorite state I've ever been to.)  In a way this is kind of an unbelievable dream-come-true.  The only thing is, for whatever reason, I had strong reservations about applying for the position for much of the process.  But now, after talking to my would-be boss, the position actually sounds cool and worthwhile.  I want to make sure before accepting that I am not primarily driven by the pay.  Have an honest heart-to-heart with myself.  I don't think I am.  But such a dramatic change in my attitude makes me want to double-check.

Getting offered a real internship with a real (huge) company for the first time does make me feel great.  But I have to remember to be thankful and not take credit for myself.  I've been given an incredible amount of support from my family and school, and I wouldn't be able to do anything without them.  (And I would like to thank my manager, and my husband who is watching at home...)  Also, God is trying to do something cool with my life, and I am faithful in that.  More importantly, I need to focus on grad school applications.  I think I have successfully cleared away all obstacles -- petty drama, overwhelming schoolwork, summer applications (!), excessive social activities -- now I've got no excuse!

A Tribute to Honors Projects

Darn Honors Option projects!!!!!!!!  Each one of them have been such a pain in the butt.  I mean, how much does graduating with Honors mean anyway?  They have been responsible for all of my college all-nighters, shortened winter breaks, late start of summers, general intense stress, etc., and this semester is no different.  This time, I am about to go to school to wrestle with computer programs I have never laid my eyes upon until the wee hours of the morning.  But the most frustrating thing is that this semester, it has been cutting into time I could be using for grad school applications.  I am over classes!!!  I need to apply to schools!!!  Darn Honors projects!!!

Okay, granted, I usually feel very grateful for these projects.  They are how I got close with all of my best faculty mentors.  And how I got really interested in geology.  And how I learned the most interesting things.  

But still!!!

Fine, it's actually all because of my poor prioritization this semester.  I have no one to blame but myself.  It's the last full week of classes this semester -- I'll sleep when I'm dead.  Or when finals are over.  All with the faith that everything will be worth it in the end.  That whatever's supposed to happen will happen.  That I just need to focus.  

The Shawshank Thanksgiving

Finally gave this movie the quality viewing it deserves.  Wow.  It is rightfully a new member on my list of all-time favorite movies:

• The Sound of Music
• Braveheart
• Schindler's List
• Titanic
• The Lion King
• The Namesake
• The Shawshank Redemption

There are others, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.

I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head.  I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.  I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand.  I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.  I hope.
- Morgan Freeman as Red

It's a privilege of a free person to be on a long journey with an uncertain conclusion.  And that privilege of life... merits excitement.

I have so many uncertain conclusions, so many hopes, to be excited about and thankful for.  Thank you...