I love this world of thoughts and memories that I've built in this blog.  It documents my entire college experience.

But,

lightonblue.tumblr.com

I might come back here and write again occasionally.  We'll see.

Bye-bye...

I'm living my dream

Why is it so much easier to complain and mope during hard times than to write inspiring words during happy times?  I have been on cloud nine for the past few weeks.  I have been wanting to write about this happiness to remind my future self and to perhaps uplift others, but unlike when I need to complain about something, I don't automatically know where to begin.

I can begin by saying this is new to me.  If you have known me during my four years of college, you will know how fraught with "failures" those years have been.  My freshman and sophomore years were filled with unsuccessful interviews and applications that almost convinced me that I'm not cut out for success or recognition.  I was afraid of wallowing in mediocrity for the rest of my life.  

Sometime between then and now, I learned that life should not and cannot be measured on a spectrum spanning You F***ed Up - Mediocre - Nobel Laureate.  I've learned that a successful life consists of --- cheese alert --- following your heart and immersing yourself in what you love to do: the thing that feeds your soul, the thing that makes you come alive.  (Aside from loving all others on this Spaceship Earth, yaddi-yadda.)  In the recent months, I have realized that the heavens up above have allowed me to pave a way toward success in that exact sense.  That is the reason for my happiness.

I will be researching earthquake geology out West with funding to spare under a prominent scientist.  Everything about that is what I have been dreaming of, both consciously and sub-consciously, for my entire college career.  This feels overwhelming, unbelievable, and right.  

I don't know what else to say.  I just know that this is a very overtly blessed time in my life.  And that I hope all my friends who are struggling to find their paths for the future can do so soon.  Take my word that if you feel crooked now, God is straightening you out.  During that process, you get pulled and squeezed and crinkled, but eventually you will become straight, and it will make you come alive, even just for a while.  

And I am taking full advantage of this while to savor life, goodness, fulfillment, excitement, and peace. Life will inevitably give me lemons again, but now I know from experience that even greater blessings will greet me afterwards.

Climb the Mountains with Me

Take with me each heavy step
Lift against the suction of gravity
Suck air from the icy gusts.
Reach and capture with eyes
A picture so tall and wide and deep
Bursting open your chest to knead your heart
Blowing your brain to fill your head with flowers.

Befriend with me boulders who shield
Thank the moss for cushioned landing
Tease the whistling mice with empty hands.
Discern and greet with eyes
An earth so artistic
Painting the forest you emerged from
Weaving the meadow you stepped through

Onto a canvas, into a tapestry
Where you and I appear
As little dots that we are.

Soul CD / Oregon in "Retrospect"

A friend told me about soul CDs last night.  You choose twelve songs that define you at the core and put them on a CD.  You can keep one as a memorabilia, trade them with friends, or just gift them.  People rarely make CDs anymore, but I think it would be cool to make one for myself.  I've made special CDs for people before, but more for the recipient, and never with the intention to define myself.  I think as a college graduation gift to myself I will make one.  It will be challenging -- twelve songs aren't a lot!

---------------

The Oregon visit was good.  Good.  The beautiful, dynamic landscape was everything I had imagined. The people were even kinder and happier than I had imagined.  To feel like the most Southern person in a crowd was a new experience...  In that regard, I am definitely more comfortable back in Athens where half the people talk more Southern than I do.  But other than that, I almost felt like I knew I belonged there.  The active tectonic landscape -- the landscape!  Lush mountains and hills all around with giant evergreens, the Pacific coast with the white waves throwing themselves at jutting cliffs, valleys shrouded in fog, crystal-clear blue streams, and snow-capped Cascade volcanoes, all neighboring each other.  All the people there seemed to be outdoors(wo)men, whether their outlet of choice be snowboarding, skiing, surfing, hiking, paddling, or mountain biking.  Plastic bags are banned, you can literally subscribe to local agriculture for fresh seasonal produce, people bike everywhere -- refreshing things like these simply made sense.

Headed to Knoxville, TN and Minneapolis, MN this coming week.  I am forgetting to feel thankful for these opportunities but rather constantly fearing feeling too smug.  Thankfulness...  That's really where it all needs to go.  I can't lose that.

On another note, I'm thinking of making a new blog for grad school.  Should I stay on Blogger or move onto Tumblr or something else?

Pop Quiz!

• What are your career goals?
• What do you want to research and why?  Who are you gonna work with for that?
• What makes you prepared for this graduate program?
• Why do you want to go to grad school anyway?
• What are your immediate academic goals?
• Do you have any special skills?
• While you're at it, please inject personality into your answers so that they don't sound like everybody else's.

Ready, set, go!

BLAH...  Here you go.  =)

Oh, if only I could just barf it out like so.

Posthumous

I wonder what's going to happen to all my journals when I die.  I kind of don't want anybody else to read them until everyone I've written about is also dead.

Shrug.

Keeping Up

Losing a skill is sad.  For me, it's violin, languages, and physical endurance.  Anything that takes you a lot of dedication and time to acquire, really.  Just randomly listened to my ASYO audition practice recordings -- dang, I can't believe I was ever that good.  Thinking of the little Spanish and Chinese skills I acquired in high school and college and how fast they evaporated, and how I now need a dictionary to write a birthday letter to my dad in Korean, and how quickly my ability to run miles at a time deteriorated after field school...

I still want to draw out beautiful music from my violin.  I still want to talk to my Chinese friends in Chinese.  I still want to expressively write and speak in Korean.  I still want to be able to climb a fourteener.  In fact, I want to get even better at these things than I ever was.  But, too many things I "really" need to do get in the way.

Learning is tons of fun.  But the more you learn, the more you have to keep up with.  And if you can't, it's sad.

Which is why I am so thankful for blogging.  I really think that writing comes easier for me than to other students who don't write anything regularly for fun.  ...... Okay, maybe not.  I'm tired.  It's late.  I'm going to sleep.

Field Schooling

http://lightonfield.blogspot.com

Adventures Coming Soon

In just over a month, I will be on a 6-week geology field school out in the West!  I will be spending the second half of May and all of June in various locations in Colorado, Utah, and New Mexico.  We'll be "running up and down and mapping" a bunch of mountains near Cañon City, Colorado, and make trips to Arches National Park, Canyonlands National Park, see some cool volcanoes and mines, etc.  Right now, I'm busy trying to figure out finances and get all my camping / field gear together!  It is a bit intimidating but very, very exciting.

After getting our schedule in the email a few days ago and looking up all the places that we're going to go to, I've decided that I will make a separate blog for field school!  It'll be filled with photos of the great outdoors and stories of adventure.  I can't believe I'll be going to these places that I've only drooled over and dreamed about while looking through the National Geographic.

As always, back to physics homework!
---------------

Wait, wait.  Do I really want to take my MacBook on a cross-continental road trip?  I gotta think more about this...

---------------

Confirmed today that we will be provided with laptops.  A field school blog's-a-comin'.

Oh, Physics...

The thought that this will be my last physics class (at least at UGA) is the only thing that is keeping me motivated (how truly refreshing).  Kind of like a good sudoku puzzle, physics can be fun and satisfying.  Also like a hypothetical sudoku puzzle that I'm given three minutes to solve, physics problem set due tomorrow that I only began to work out tonight is NOT fun or satisfying...

Why?!

Why am I so bad at math?

Why am I a physics minor?  Who am I kidding?

Why am I ruining my GPA with these crazy physics classes?

Why are these solutions right in front of me the right answers?  I don't understand math.

This is my attempt at writing a blog entry because I've realized that whenever my post counts are low, I'm not sitting back to think about life enough.  Well, there.  Those are my thoughts right now.  I didn't do the "sit back" part, but it'll have to do for now...

SPRING BREAK = SLEEP

TONIGHT = COFFEE

NEXT WEEK = PHYSICS and COFFEE

Sigh.

Complaints of a Rich American Girl

I'm dragging a loop of fishing line with a bunch of clanking metal buckets hanging on it.  That's how I feel about my... modern-world connection status right now.

I recently rediscovered my iPod Touch and the App Store that has become much more robust since two years ago.  Currently I'm juggling my laptop (for actually getting stuff done, work or play), my Blackberry (phone calls and texts), and iPod (for times I am too lazy to open up or carry my laptop -- oh and for music in the car)... ridiculous.  This is why an iPhone (or an Android) would be so handy!

Yesterday, I got myself a Twitter account (for Christmas! ha) after finding out Alex and Dad each had one.  So much to follow, so much to read.  So many people to connect to.  Add that to Facebook, this blog, Google+ (which I have sadly given up on but exists anyway), email, and texts, and you get the clanking metal buckets.  Add that to my chaos of a room at home and you get zero productivity in any sense.  For example, I'm not getting around to watching the movies and documentaries I want to watch, but I'm not even doing anything else!

I think I'm almost ready to return to Athens and organize my brain / electronic world a bit.  Also, I'm just excited for this semester to start.

(But, thank Goodness for this blog.  At least there is some place on the Internet that is mine, tightly knit, peaceful, and calming.)

Lemons

When life gives me lemons, my blog reminds me to make lemonade.
I'm not a huge fan of lemonade.

When life gives me lemons, my blog reminds me to make strawberry lemonade.

No matter the lemon -- mornings I can't wake myself and face life, nights that I worry -- it eventually rots.  Faster during the summer, too.  So I've gotta make strawberry lemonade with it quick, while it's fresh.

Looking back at my past complaints, worries, lessons, and praises, I'm reminded that God has always come through to me at the right times.  He will this time, too.  Thanks in advance for the strawberry lemonade, God.

Published

Well, I got on the school newspaper last week.  That was pretty cool, seeing a glimpse of the newspaper business, learning to appreciate the nature of opinion pieces and journalism in general.  And having people other than my blog subscribers read something I wrote!  It's like public speaking with a curtain between you and the audience.  I definitely would like to submit more pieces.

Opinion piece on The Red & Black about illegal immigrant students and a recent state ruling

(Not a big fan of the picture, I will work out and lose weight before Christmas...)

Freshly Expressed

How easily distracted humans are.  How many things happen in such short times.  How often, if not recorded, thoughts just evaporate.  How many new thoughts come up in a second.  How constantly thoughts change and evolve.  How important it is to keep record of fresh thoughts.  How valuable fresh responses are.

A Year

Oh my gosh.

I feel like this "365 Happy Surprises" thing is brand new (well, yeah, I've been switching the title back and forth).  But I'M ALREADY (almost) HALFWAY DONE WITH IT.

I feel like I just came up with this!  This 2010-new-year-happy-surprises-365-happy-things thing, you know.

What the heck.  This motto has not even sunk in, and I only have half the year to go now.

How short a year is, in this perspective.

Pattern in Record

I've realized what the gaps in my journal or blog indicate.  Either something too happy is going on, or something too sad is going on.  In the former case, maybe I am subconsciously trying to ignore that the days are passing.  In the latter case, I am (consciously) denying all of the events that are happening... as if keeping a written record of them will make them more real.

I haven't written in my journal for a couple of months, I think, and a big reason I don't feel like touching it right now is that I can't possibly update my life in less than an hour.  It's been too long.

Anyway, 80's Korean music makes me melt.  This hits me today:

우리에겐 내일이 있고
또 만남이 이루어질 그 날까지
서글퍼 하지는 말아요
또 다시 아침이 올텐데
서로를 위해 기도하며 살아요

기억하고 싶을 거예요
나를 바라보던 그대 고운 얼굴
기억하고 싶을 거예요
내가 당신의 가슴에 심어놓은
사랑노래 사랑노래 사랑노래
우리에겐 내일이 있고
또 만남이 이루어질 그 날까지 안녕

"사랑노래" - 해바라기

What I lost with college

Spontaneity.  I guess most of us do at some point in our lives.  (Kind of like... virginity.  Okay that was really random.  And wasn't even funny.)  And my time was somewhere between high school and college.

Pros:
Helps you focus
The only way you can get everything on your agenda done
Leads you in a straight path to your goal

Cons:
No surprises
You become a machine
Harder to be social

We reach an age where we don't just call up somebody and say, "Hey, let's go to the movies tonight.  I feel like going to see a movie all of a sudden."  We don't because (1) it wasn't part of our schedule, and (2) it wasn't part of his/her schedule.  The only exception would be if we were feelin' really down for some reason, and the other person would go, "Oh my gosh are you okay?  Something wrong?"  Otherwise, we have to determine when we're free, call someone up, determine when they're free, and set a time days or weeks or months in advance.  So formal.  So businesslike.  But necessary.  I miss childhood.  Am I old enough to say that?  Yes, I think I'm finally old enough to say that.  (Although I'll look back at this and say, "Darn, I miss college," later I will look back and say, "Darn, I miss youth."  Then probably, "Darn, I miss my 50s," and so on.)

Already in college, it's somewhat of a dawg-eat-dawg world (haha).  We can't half-ass our work, so we can't "do work" with people expecting something amusing to happen or a great conversation to arise or a random trip to take place.  We don't have room for spontaneous intrusions!  Oh how terrible!

I don't like to plan for anything beyond the next day.  It is "necessary," so I do it, but in a way it seems futile and contradictory.  Futile because people are dynamic, and the world is dynamic, so you don't know what you're gonna want in the future. You don't know how God will change your life in the future.  And contradictory, to the mantra "live as if it's your last day"... and to:

Right now, saving anything up seems useless because what do I save for? The future? Some future purchases that are not guaranteed to even exist? The only thing that is certain in the future is death and afterlife and you can't use your saved up money there.

So should we hold love and affection back? I am by no means advocating PDA, promiscuity, etc. But what about those feelings we save up for the future? "Maybe in the future things will be less awkward." "Maybe in the future the time would be more right." No! The time is not more right in the future. Now, right now, is the most right time for everything. Love what you have and who you have right now. Show your parents some love. Don't think that it's awkward to hug and kiss them and hold their hand and tell them that you love them. Savor every warm touch of theirs on your skin because they will only be here for so many years. Tell and show the friends you value the most just how much they mean to you, and pay them back in some way as soon and often as possible.

- from February 5, 2009

How do I dig up all these entries to quote from?  I take every entry really seriously.  These are my mental records through life so far.  I have many lines I wrote ingrained in the back of my brain... oh man, if only I automatically, subconsciously memorized Bible verses or academic material like this.  Anyway, through these journal writings I'm always analyzing the patterns in my life and thinking back to past events and building on mistakes and lessons or just reminiscing and such.  Darn Korean school system did instill in me some useful habits, I guess.  I'm so psychologically dependent on this that I don't know how I would live if someone forbade me to blog or journal.  I think I would go nuts for about a year, calm down, go into depression, and repeat until I die. (I am nuts!!!!!)

What the feezy?  How did I get to that topic?  All right.  What did I lose in college.  OH I know.  Writing (yeah, I call this writing, deal with it) is the only thing I do spontaneously now.  The only thing.  And never in the past several years have I regretted spending what must be hundreds of hours every year recording my thoughts.  I am so fortunate to know such an outlet.

But that's not the main point.  Main point:  it's sad.  I don't want to be a machine.  I know I shouldn't say this but.... I don't wanna grow up!  Back in high school I didn't really know the meaning of spontaneity.  Something rare happened:  I know what something is now that I don't have it.  Oh it is hard to be a spontaneous person.  I would still like to be one without veering off the path.  Smell flowers while walking to the sky.  How?  How?  Ah, that's for another time.

ADD

This is only my tenth week at school.  Ten calendar flips.  That's it.  I've only had ten Mondays so far.  Hm.  Feels more like thirty.

Tomorrow's gonna be the best Friday ever (after I give my speech) because okay, let's not lie, this week was (is) a..... CRAZY killer.  Crazy.

The thing with not underestimating myself is that I've got to not underestimate everything around me as well.

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Intro down.  It's midnight.  It's okay.  I still feel awake.

It's so deserted at the SLC on a Thursday night.  I guess everybody's out partying...?  Don't think I've ever seen it this empty.  It feels really lonely.

I write in here ridiculously often.  Probably has something to do with the lack of Facebook, too.  I'm so pathetic.

Dear Reader...

When some nameless person leaves smiley faces on my blog, I just feel warm and fuzzy. But if you love NPR and Tchaikovsky like I do, I'd love to talk to you about them. Me knowing your identity would facilitate that.

=)

Hello.

The automatic save and archive search sounded just too good.

I continue from my beloved Xanga.

Hello.

I don't feel very comfortable yet. Weird, huh, how you get attached to some online thing that you write on? Oh well, I bet this is just like running out of an old journal and writing on the first page of a new one. You feel kind of awkward in the beginning, but as you go on it inevitably becomes your best friend. Except I had that journal for 5 1/2 years, and now I feel like I'm talking to a stranger who knows absolutely nothing about me in comparison. Which was actually also true with the Xanga. I was always writing to some stranger out there. Actually, I take that back. Public or private, I always wrote things there that I wanted to tell a good friend. So I will do the same in here. I will always be talking to a mysterious someone who, for some reason, cares to listen to me.

"Carrotlover" was taken. "Karrotlover" was available. But you know what? As long as I would have liked to continue the legacy, I don't love carrots anymore. I mean, they're good, but I don't remember the last time I devoured a bag of them. So why not just something new? I didn't even check if "schoinh" was available. That's too formal. My Xanga's, er... blog is not a formal space. So what does lightonblue mean? In a way it sounds a little cheesy, I think, or reminds me of some cute Asian thing, but it's actually not like that. I like light. I like blue. Put them together.

God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness.
- Gen 1:4