The Heart of My Artichoke

Funny thing, loss...

I do not often break down and cry about it.  But when I do, I often surprise myself.  I do not need to be distressed for it to happen.  It's not mood-dependent -- what kind of a day, week, or month I'm having.  Rather, it takes a trigger at a peaceful hour.

Tonight, the trigger was a recording from Thanksgiving Day: my dad singing and playing "슬픈 계절에 만나요 (See you in the sad season)" by 백영규.  The lyrics -- I knew it was love, but I didn't know we'd have to part... I didn't know I'd keep such a sad song in my heart... -- and the oldies melody led me on a journey through YouTube searching out every Korean song from the 70s and the 80s.  (It saddens me that today's K-pop is so much better known than the really good, artful, poetic Korean music from back then.)  Next thing I know, I was digging for the specific oldies songs my mom used to enjoy.  I couldn't get enough of the warm fuzziness those songs gave me.  When I finally decided I should go to sleep, I suddenly found myself in tears.

I go through my days, walking through all the streets my mom has never walked on, driving a car she never rode, doing things she never saw me do, working toward goals she never would have expected, seeing people she never met...  There is not much room in my head to make connections between Mom and what I am doing during the day.  That's why, late at night, by myself without much stress or outside distraction, stripped to the heart of my heart, I come back to her.  And the tears and longing take me by surprise.  I realized tonight that I'm like a little kid.  I'm almost twenty-two and multiple times a year I still cry, "I want my mommy..."

I think these things that take you by surprise are what lie in the deepest parts of your heart.  Something you don't normally think about in the midst of busyness but do keep coming back to whenever you're removed from it all.  People you long for, issues that need to be addressed...

Calling from a Place

I hear a calling.  And it's not from a particular role in the world.  It's a calling from a place.  I have to go back out West as soon as I can.  Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, Wyoming, California, Arizona, wherever.  I have been struck with the American West in June and obsessed with it ever since.  All I know is that whatever I do, whatever passion I pursue, I want to do it out there where the mountains are high, the air is dry, and the view endless.

Perhaps I am not allowing myself to get to know the South enough.  The depths of the forests, the current of the rivers, the mist-shrouded old mountaintops.  I will, I will soon enough.  But in the meantime, I can't stop daydreaming about what's out there on the other side.

I wonder if this is the kind of calling that my mother felt after visiting the U.S.  Soon after our 10-day summer vacation through California, Arizona, and Nevada, my parents started planning to get our family back here.  In her mid-30s, it was her first time in a foreign country, and even before our trip ended, she said, "Let's come live here."  And we did come back, just a year afterwards.  My parents didn't know what they would do for a living after leaving everything behind...  Reckless surely, but I think I might understand now why they came.  They heard a calling from this country.

I think I hear one, too...

With this realization I might very well cry on my next Grand Canyon trip.  Back at where it all started...

Yay for father-daughter pictures!

Daddy in Athens to help me move out

Wise words of the day:

"Do not be hurry."

- Dad's text message, 3:09 PM

Things I Would Do

1. Learn how to cook everything you cook
2. Go shopping with you (and not be embarrassed)
3. Ask you for boy advice / stories
4. Talk to you about future and dreams
5. Buy you fancy wine
6. Take you out West
7. Take a lot of mom-and-daughter pictures

Things I should do

1. Learn how to cook curry and 미역국 and 오뎅국 the way he makes them
2. Impress him with a Korean dish
3. Keep asking him for boy advice
4. Talk to him more about future and dreams
5. Buy him fancy wine
6. Take him to Colorado and Utah and other wonderful places
7. Take a lot of father-daughter pictures...

Surprisingly Good Christmas

• Bananagrams with all the bros
• Rumble in the Bronx, a dubbed Jackie Chan movie, with Alex and Andy (Netflix 30-day free trial for the break was such a good idea)
• Yummy food and desserts out, and even some family-like conversations with everybody leaving the restaurant at the same time... gasp
• Even Paco, the ferocious little hater-dog kind of liked me (and my clementines)
• Found out my dad has an entire week of vacation!!  He has never had a break longer than a rare 4-day weekend since we came to the U.S. ten years ago.  So happy for him and the new place he is in, and excited to be here to spend so much time with him at home, just like during childhood.  Learning that was probably my favorite part of the holiday.

:09

The final nine seconds we count down in front of the microwave
Waiting for the dinner
The final nine seconds we devote to telling others about
Loving them forever
The final nine more seconds we may wish for at our last
Dying breath.

How differently we treat the same amount of time.  Here's to making the most out of every second.
Love cooped up inside is not love.  Here's to telling others we love them.

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HAHA

I just texted my dad, "I love you!"
His reply:

hey no play!!

Cantaloupes and Molars

We were in River Heights, the apartment we used to live in before I started high school.

My dad came home for the weekend, from his work at LaGrange.  Because I was napping so long and neglected his homecoming, he woke me up and angrily yelled at me in his inconsiderate way.  After he stormed away, I was filled with anger as well, and I was having a hard time letting it simmer down.  Then I overheard my mom talking to him, "I don't think it was right for you to do that,"  "She was looking forward to seeing you,"  "It wasn't the best way to do it."  A little later they started chatting and laughing about how much cantaloupe Alex has eaten.  I started to cool off, and felt thankful that my mom understood.

With barely any time for me to calm down, a freak event happened -- all of my bottom left molars fell out together.  I tried to put them back in, but they wouldn't go back in properly and started to push other teeth out as well.  I panicked, of course.  Holding my teeth in place, I ran to my mom in the kitchen (ha, she would be there) and said, "Big trouble!!!!!!!!!"  She said, "Oh no, another wisdom tooth came in??"  I said, "No!!!  Look!!!!" and showed her my problem.

Then I returned to Milledge Place F10, Athens.  The first thing I did upon realizing that was to bite down and make sure I still had my molars in place.  Huge relief.  Next feeling I had wasn't what I should feel after getting yelled at by Dad and (almost) having my molars fall out.  Instead I felt a dab of warmth and nostalgia.  I asked myself, "Wait, why the heck do I feel nostalgic?  How was that different from now?"  Then I remembered.

To whom else would I go to shamelessly show my fallen-out molars?  Who else would understand exactly my dad's temper and my anger and warmly remedy the situation?

Thanks for appearing today and reminding me of motherly love, Mom.  Maybe the best dream of you I have ever had!  Thank you thank you.

To be fair to my dad -- I love him, too -- something he said in June 2009:

Relationships are the core of life.  We have to be there for each other.  You know, scratch where it itches, rub where it aches.  And you have to do it while they're here.

Ah, Mommy and Daddy.  Using them in the same sentence is a privilege of sorts.

The tears I cry are bitter and warm

... Tupac.

How did this blog used to be such a happy place?
Oh, the mysteries of life...

This Catholic thing is getting out of hand.  Everything is getting out of hand.  Nothing is in my hand these days.  I have control over nothing.  Yeah yeah, God's in control... a thought that normally would be so comforting.  I have never thought of God with such feeling of burden and worry before.  It's like he is temporarily hiding behind a veil while I wander.

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"You're selfish person, Stacey.  Yes, more selfish than the average person.  Unusually selfish."

Well, I knew that.  I know that I'm very selfish.  Did I consider if I were more selfish than the average person?  Probably not.  I thought that I was average and that anybody more generous than I am was unusually generous.  Have I wanting/trying to be more generous?  Definitely.  Have I thought that my selfishness was a serious, immediate problem?  Sometimes.

"In my opinion, you're not the domestic type."

Oh, I've heard that from somebody else before.  Wait, no.  That was, "You are domestic."  After the initial reaction of, "What does that even mean?!" I never agreed with it.  So I guess I agree with that I'm not domestic.  It's funny how people willingly tell you if you're "domestic" or not when you don't even ask for it.  I mean, how many people even think about that?  I don't, at least not with that word.  Maybe men are programmed to look at any woman and judge if she is "domestic" or not.  Like, "Yeah, she's nice, she's pretty, she's smart, she's domestic."  Haha what?  Well, that's what it seems like.


So there you go.  I'm unusually selfish and usually undomestic.  Although it's not pleasant to hear these as sincere insults, at least I have confirmation of my personality traits.

First Amendment

It doesn't matter which decision I make in the end.  I would like to claim my freedom of religion.
(But "religion"... what an ugly word.  My father is not a religion.)

I've been counting down the Sundays til my first one in Athens.  No, you can't force me to worship (or lack thereof) differently.  You made a decision for yourself.  Let me make a decision for myself.

Away

Where crickets chirp,
Where fireflies glow,
Where nothing else is golden,
I want to go.

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Hey.  I miss being parky.
How you brought out the parky in me, I don't know.

Wedding

It was so comforting to have my high school friends play for us.  Thanks you guys!

I'm feeling pretty good.

For some reason I feel super grown-up that my dad took my relationship question seriously.  Thanks Dad!

Bahahaha I am not a kid anymore!  Bahahaha.

Snow Weekend at Home

I love my brother
I love my dad
I love Korean food (I exclaimed "Mmmmm!" with every bite)
I love home

I don't want to leave!!!!

I think God had many reasons for sending snow to the South last night.  But I think one reason was so that the roads would freeze and my dad couldn't go to work today.  Instead he gets to spend time with meeeeee! =D

Wahhhh!!! =DDD

Laugh or Cry?

Na Hyung,

[blah blah]
I'm sending you your birthday dinner as an attachment.  Hope you enjoy it.
[blah blah]

Dad.

I see no attachments at first.  "Oh, okay Dad, clever.  It's the thought that counts, I get it."
I scroll down and see this:

Haha I wonder how my family members would feel about me posting their email messages here.  But boy, that looks.... amazing.  I shall get back to physics before I start drooling on the keyboard.

Happy 20th anniversary...

If I knew, if I knew that all I can send you today would be a prayer, I would've gotten you more than a bouquet of roses last year.

But that's nothing new.  It's just that this day I've had in my head has finally come.  And since last year I've been trying my best to live to avoid this kind of situation.  Live and learn.

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Anyone who has met my brother... would find this surprising, I think.

Last night I came across this article on CNN.com about how watching lots of TV makes you die earlier (ironically, haha).  I thought it was one of those nothing-else-worthy-to-publish stories and sort of a patched-up argument, but the moment I saw the title I thought it would be a good excuse to reproach my brother's TV-watching habits.  So I emailed it to him.  Today, I got a reply:

So.... sitting for a long time makes you die earlier? Then wouldn't that also count for reading, doing homework, and going on the computer? I don't get it. I spend 5 hours everyday at school, sitting, so there's a 90 percent more chance of me dying of heart disease? I'm gonna send this to school board right now! Although I get the point, don't watch too much TV, etc., I can't take this article seriously because although it's actually about how being inactive makes you more at risk, it tries to turn it against just one activity that you can do while sitting. whatever, you don't have to worry about me. I have too much work right now. (just kidding, its because all my favorite shows are either off air or canceled)

I can't believe it.  Reasons:

1. I have never, in his thirteen years of life, heard my brother say or seen my brother write to me this many words at once.
2. Alex almost never replies to my emails in the first place.
3. This was too witty.  (I secretly like it.)

It's kind of like... getting to know a person who you think can't speak English, and a month later you see him tear someone apart in debate team.  Wow.  That sounds bad.  But Alex never reads this, and even if he did, he knows it's all out of love and pride..... =P

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Haiti.  Why's it always always like this?  "Massive earthquake was predicted before."  "Terrorist attack was warned of before."  blah blah.  Well, thank you for telling us your predictions afterwards.

Homemade spring rolls
Bulgogi with cilantro
Perfectly cooked rice noodles
Two awesome people

Bam.  That's where it's at!  I live in such a warm bubble.

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So about that last confused entry.  How I could feel my dad's sacrifice but not God's?  Oh my goodness, my dad's sacrifice is God's sacrifice.  All of Dad's doing is God's doing.  Why do I have a parent like my dad?  Because God made it so.  Duh...  I am so undeserving of my dad, but God gave me to him and him to me.  What grace.

The Worst Feeling

Getting in an argument with my dad, no matter how trifling the subject, is the worst feeling in the world for me.  I argue, I make him upset, and even though I'm frustrated as well, I feel more of guilt.  It's hard to explain this feeling.  It's this horrible feeling, first identified as annoyance, frustration, and it wells up in my chest, travels up my throat and into my head where I hold it like a concentrated mass of bad, bad feeling until it has no option but to be released in the form of drops of tears... where I realize that it wasn't frustration but sorrow and guilt.  And then something in me says, "How could you make him upset?  How could you add to his troubles at all?  How can you be so inconsiderate for someone who dedicates his life to you?  How can you receive so much undeserved favor and sacrifice only to offer so much trouble?  You don't thank him, obey him, or work for his happiness nearly enough."  And afterwards I feel an intense motivation to change, improve myself, apologize, do extra things, etc.

But... but... I don't feel this intense, personal feeling with God these days.  Why?  If only I felt this passionate toward Him instead of / in addition to my dad.  I know that parents were given children in order to understand God's love toward us, and vice versa.  But I don't feel it.  I'm dry, and I'm distant.  I have trouble seeing God hurt or upset like I see my dad.  I know that He sacrificed His one and only son, but since He is He, can He not have more sons if He wished?  What is sacrifice to Him, if He is the almighty?  Agh.  I want to escape and pray somewhere.  I had so much opportunity during the break..... the worst timing.

The Divine Image
by William Blake

To Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
All pray in their distress;
And to these virtues of delight
Return their thankfulness.

For Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
Is God, our father dear,
And Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
Is Man, his child and care.

For Mercy has a human heart,
Pity a human face,
And Love, the human form divine,
And Peace, the human dress.

Then every man, of every clime,
That prays in his distress,
Prays to the human form divine,
Love, Mercy, Pity, Peace.

And all must love the human form,
In heathen, turk, or jew;
Where Mercy, Love, & Pity dwell
There God is dwelling too.

Dad:  It'd be nice if you could thoroughly clean the whole house while you're here.
Me:  Oh yeah, I'll definitely do that when I have time. (meaning I won't bother for the first few days)
Dad:  So what all do you have to do?
Me:  Well you know, go work out, see fr---
Dad:  If you cleaned the whole house that would be a heck of a workout.
Me:  That's... too true.

All this news about how people have changed saddens and/or sickens me.  But then, who am I to say and make these judgments?  No one.  I'm just sayin', though.  Oh well.

On a different note, my dad completely owned me.  I mean, if he's gonna take apart and fix a camera, why does he have to wait til I've gotten a new one after standing in line for an hour before the crack of dawn?  I walk in on my dad bent over a bunch of tiny screws and metal plates and circuit boards, realize that it's my ex-camera, and tell him he's so crazy.  And then an hour later he's shooting pictures of me with it.  I tell him I'd go return the new camera.  He says I can just keep it because he'll just keep the old one at home.  I know Alex or my dad rarely take any pictures at home.  Making me feel bad...... as if I don't enough towards him already.

Yeah, there were some very fun parts, but this has been a pretty sad break, I'm not gonna lie.  I have a feeling that when I go back to school this Sunday, I'll be saying, "Home sweet home."