Calling from a Place

I hear a calling.  And it's not from a particular role in the world.  It's a calling from a place.  I have to go back out West as soon as I can.  Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, Wyoming, California, Arizona, wherever.  I have been struck with the American West in June and obsessed with it ever since.  All I know is that whatever I do, whatever passion I pursue, I want to do it out there where the mountains are high, the air is dry, and the view endless.

Perhaps I am not allowing myself to get to know the South enough.  The depths of the forests, the current of the rivers, the mist-shrouded old mountaintops.  I will, I will soon enough.  But in the meantime, I can't stop daydreaming about what's out there on the other side.

I wonder if this is the kind of calling that my mother felt after visiting the U.S.  Soon after our 10-day summer vacation through California, Arizona, and Nevada, my parents started planning to get our family back here.  In her mid-30s, it was her first time in a foreign country, and even before our trip ended, she said, "Let's come live here."  And we did come back, just a year afterwards.  My parents didn't know what they would do for a living after leaving everything behind...  Reckless surely, but I think I might understand now why they came.  They heard a calling from this country.

I think I hear one, too...

With this realization I might very well cry on my next Grand Canyon trip.  Back at where it all started...

Places to Take My Loved Ones To

1. Valles Caldera, NM -- For those who want to find themselves in a Disney fairy tale, complete with a shimmering meadow, mist in the distance, and overly friendly butterflies
2. Mt. Shavano, CO -- For the seriously adventurous
3. Onion Creek, UT -- For those who want to go to outer space for cheap
4. South Park, CO -- For those who want to be calmed and moved at once
5. Cochiti Mesa, NM -- For those who trust me to take them where I've never been myself
6. Apalachicola, FL

To be continued

Valles Caldera.  During a morning lecture -- notice the elk herd.

The Best of Times, the Worst of Times

The best times of my life often also seem to be the worst times.  And vice versa.

I count my senior year of high school as the best of my K-12.  I used to feel a twinge of guilt every time I said that because it was also the year that my mother passed.  Indeed, her sudden illness and early death are the saddest things that ever happened to me.  But -- can I say this without being judged? -- her passing away was also wonderful, in a transcendent sense.  For the first time, our family bond was indestructible.  She said herself that it was the most she's ever felt loved and the happiest she has ever been, although I know it was also painful.  I was able to mourn and also have a blast the rest of my senior year because of the overwhelming support from friends, family, and the church community, as well as a newfound faith and comfort in the Lord.

Last winter was another such worst and best time.  I had just gotten out of the most serious relationship I'd had then and will have for a while.  But after a short (in retrospect) period of wandering and wondering, the new year began, and I was able to embrace my newfound single-hood, find a joyful network of friends, and accept the Lord's other blessings with open arms in the best calendar year of my life so far.

Field school was easily the best time.  Infinite supply of physical adventure, exhilarating tests of courage and willpower, and inspiration, beauty, learning...  But it was also the worst of times.  Yes, the the daily field work in the hot sun was difficult, but more significantly, it was probably the most loveless time of my life.  I did not connect with most people there, I found myself trying to be patient and love others but failing, I had self-image issues like never before... it was to the point where I forgot what the love and acceptance of my friends back home felt like.  Also in the midst of self-doubt and trying to fit in, my spiritual well ran dry and continues to be poorly supplied today.  Yet those six weeks were sooooo awesome that I would do it all over again -- do you see what I mean?!

So I want to remind both you and the future Na Hyung this:  Don't be afraid of the worst of times; it is almost certainly the best of times as well.  Bring forth the glimmering best times out of the worst, or wait for the best to take you over soon.  God -- I don't think He ever just leaves us with the worst.  He seems to always make it up with the best somehow.

Edmond:  I don't believe in God.
Priest:  It doesn't matter.  He believes in you.
- The Count of Monte Cristo

Things I Would Do

1. Learn how to cook everything you cook
2. Go shopping with you (and not be embarrassed)
3. Ask you for boy advice / stories
4. Talk to you about future and dreams
5. Buy you fancy wine
6. Take you out West
7. Take a lot of mom-and-daughter pictures

Things I should do

1. Learn how to cook curry and 미역국 and 오뎅국 the way he makes them
2. Impress him with a Korean dish
3. Keep asking him for boy advice
4. Talk to him more about future and dreams
5. Buy him fancy wine
6. Take him to Colorado and Utah and other wonderful places
7. Take a lot of father-daughter pictures...

Overflowing

An entry I meant to post late at night on Saturday, January 14th:

Few things better than a long-time-missing Guitar Hero marathon with my dear brother Alex.  Fond memories with that game.  We probably played two dozen songs tonight, and I only beat him on two instances.  Kind of like our basketball games where I earn 2 points for each goal while he earns 1, and he wins 8-2.  Oy, when did he start beating me on everything? 

My birthday is approaching quickly, and I am already feeling incredibly blessed.  Today, driving home for a birthday dinner, I noticed myself happier than I have been in years.  I've got a somewhat detached but supportive family, I do for my new job things I could only dream of before, I have an exciting semester and summer in Colorado to look forward to, I'm working toward exciting dreams, I'm surrounded by friends who care about me, I just feel so whole... and so happy I can shed tears of joy if someone told me to.  My biggest concerns right now are, honestly, some scholarship applications and homework, and this is a luxury I will never take for granted.  Friends from different walks of my life are asking me birthday plans and telling me they want to be a part of them -- and thinking back to my last birthday, when my new roommates only found out it was my birthday after I told them after a long day at school, and not many people really cared -- I just feel so thankful.  (Yes, a 21st birthday is a bigger deal than a 20th, but I know that difference is not what is significant here.)  At this point, I would have an extremely happy birthday even if nothing "special" goes down or nobody does anything for me.  I feel so filled. 

I wonder if this is how people feel when they become rich.  When they finally have the financial stability they were missing for a while, and on top of that they keep getting more money from unexpected sources.  I would need to give away that extra money in order to maintain that happiness.  I am overjoyed with life. I have to direct this excess happiness in the right direction!

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In the midst of all this happiness, I am feeling nostalgic tonight.  In the maze of a menu in my Blackberry I randomly came across a "saved messages" box.  A couple of text messages and emails go a long way in bringing back memories.  So nice, such nice memories.

Back to sandstones!

Surprisingly Good Christmas

• Bananagrams with all the bros
• Rumble in the Bronx, a dubbed Jackie Chan movie, with Alex and Andy (Netflix 30-day free trial for the break was such a good idea)
• Yummy food and desserts out, and even some family-like conversations with everybody leaving the restaurant at the same time... gasp
• Even Paco, the ferocious little hater-dog kind of liked me (and my clementines)
• Found out my dad has an entire week of vacation!!  He has never had a break longer than a rare 4-day weekend since we came to the U.S. ten years ago.  So happy for him and the new place he is in, and excited to be here to spend so much time with him at home, just like during childhood.  Learning that was probably my favorite part of the holiday.

America! America!

I have to post today.

Ten years ago today my parents, brother, and I came to the United States.

The seasons were about the same as in Korea.  The leaves were starting to change.  There were so many trees along the road.  Our family friend had a two-story house with double wooden doors, just like I'd seen in movies.  They had a closet filled to the brim with exotic-looking snacks like Ritz Bits Sandwiches, Cheez-Itz, and Fig Newtons.  They had something called a "sun room."  They had thick carpet in their bedrooms.  There was the same rice here.  You could cook miso soup here...  Wow.

That's what I remember of that night.  What an exciting time it was, more so in retrospect.  How things have changed, how unexpectedly things happen!

Brother

(If I could exercise daily like I blogged.  If I had quiet time daily like I blogged.  Well, I can, sometime, start... When I first made a Xanga in seventh grade I didn't post as often as I do now, yeah, well, anyway, that's for another time.)

You know what really makes me happy about this break?  I got to hang out with my one and only brother, and I loved it. None of that you're-so-cool-and-awesome-you're-like-my-brother stuff...  I got to know how cool my real brother is.  I'm so thankful for all the time we spent in the last three weeks.

I learned that Top Gear is actually a pretty cool show, even though the amount of money they waste still appalls me.  I've grown familiar to Alex's dry humor and actually find him really funny.  I don't think of him as just a lame middle-schooler anymore (sounds bad, but being honest).  I've also learned that when he monotonously says, "It's good," about a movie (i. e. The Godfather), he means the movie is mind-blowingly amazing.  He is cool enough to go Christmas shopping with me, spaghetti-ingredients shopping with me, critique Bible studies, talk about jazz music, teach me about cars, and eat cup ramen with me at eleven at night.  All the while being a thoroughly entertaining conversationalist.  I love his bluntness and brevity among all other things that I am not.  We are so different in looks and personality, but I really like these differences in Alex, at least for now.  Above all I'm proud of him for slowly growing into this... awesome young adult.  I think back to us exactly a year ago, and my, how we have changed.

In a way, I've made a new friend this break... and I can't feel any more comforted.  I'll miss hanging out with him!