I'm living my dream

Why is it so much easier to complain and mope during hard times than to write inspiring words during happy times?  I have been on cloud nine for the past few weeks.  I have been wanting to write about this happiness to remind my future self and to perhaps uplift others, but unlike when I need to complain about something, I don't automatically know where to begin.

I can begin by saying this is new to me.  If you have known me during my four years of college, you will know how fraught with "failures" those years have been.  My freshman and sophomore years were filled with unsuccessful interviews and applications that almost convinced me that I'm not cut out for success or recognition.  I was afraid of wallowing in mediocrity for the rest of my life.  

Sometime between then and now, I learned that life should not and cannot be measured on a spectrum spanning You F***ed Up - Mediocre - Nobel Laureate.  I've learned that a successful life consists of --- cheese alert --- following your heart and immersing yourself in what you love to do: the thing that feeds your soul, the thing that makes you come alive.  (Aside from loving all others on this Spaceship Earth, yaddi-yadda.)  In the recent months, I have realized that the heavens up above have allowed me to pave a way toward success in that exact sense.  That is the reason for my happiness.

I will be researching earthquake geology out West with funding to spare under a prominent scientist.  Everything about that is what I have been dreaming of, both consciously and sub-consciously, for my entire college career.  This feels overwhelming, unbelievable, and right.  

I don't know what else to say.  I just know that this is a very overtly blessed time in my life.  And that I hope all my friends who are struggling to find their paths for the future can do so soon.  Take my word that if you feel crooked now, God is straightening you out.  During that process, you get pulled and squeezed and crinkled, but eventually you will become straight, and it will make you come alive, even just for a while.  

And I am taking full advantage of this while to savor life, goodness, fulfillment, excitement, and peace. Life will inevitably give me lemons again, but now I know from experience that even greater blessings will greet me afterwards.

Climb the Mountains with Me

Take with me each heavy step
Lift against the suction of gravity
Suck air from the icy gusts.
Reach and capture with eyes
A picture so tall and wide and deep
Bursting open your chest to knead your heart
Blowing your brain to fill your head with flowers.

Befriend with me boulders who shield
Thank the moss for cushioned landing
Tease the whistling mice with empty hands.
Discern and greet with eyes
An earth so artistic
Painting the forest you emerged from
Weaving the meadow you stepped through

Onto a canvas, into a tapestry
Where you and I appear
As little dots that we are.

Rediscovering Diana Krall

I've always enjoyed her Christmas album.... But boy, have I been missing out!  I didn't know she was a jazz pianist, too, and a great one at that!  Her low vocal and delicate piano improvisation are quite a different feel from the wild, earthy, and bright Esperanza Spalding I am used to.  Regardless, I love women who can sing and play jazz.... They're so HOT.

Nice big bossa nova arrangement:




Just when you think her flavorful opening vocal can't be topped, she comes in with a mind-blowing development of a sultry piano solo:

Soul CD / Oregon in "Retrospect"

A friend told me about soul CDs last night.  You choose twelve songs that define you at the core and put them on a CD.  You can keep one as a memorabilia, trade them with friends, or just gift them.  People rarely make CDs anymore, but I think it would be cool to make one for myself.  I've made special CDs for people before, but more for the recipient, and never with the intention to define myself.  I think as a college graduation gift to myself I will make one.  It will be challenging -- twelve songs aren't a lot!

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The Oregon visit was good.  Good.  The beautiful, dynamic landscape was everything I had imagined. The people were even kinder and happier than I had imagined.  To feel like the most Southern person in a crowd was a new experience...  In that regard, I am definitely more comfortable back in Athens where half the people talk more Southern than I do.  But other than that, I almost felt like I knew I belonged there.  The active tectonic landscape -- the landscape!  Lush mountains and hills all around with giant evergreens, the Pacific coast with the white waves throwing themselves at jutting cliffs, valleys shrouded in fog, crystal-clear blue streams, and snow-capped Cascade volcanoes, all neighboring each other.  All the people there seemed to be outdoors(wo)men, whether their outlet of choice be snowboarding, skiing, surfing, hiking, paddling, or mountain biking.  Plastic bags are banned, you can literally subscribe to local agriculture for fresh seasonal produce, people bike everywhere -- refreshing things like these simply made sense.

Headed to Knoxville, TN and Minneapolis, MN this coming week.  I am forgetting to feel thankful for these opportunities but rather constantly fearing feeling too smug.  Thankfulness...  That's really where it all needs to go.  I can't lose that.

On another note, I'm thinking of making a new blog for grad school.  Should I stay on Blogger or move onto Tumblr or something else?

The Fate of Excitement

I am so looking forward to the Oregon State visit in a week.  On the second day of the visit, turns out we will be doing a field trip to the coast!!!  The Pacific coast!!!  Wow.

I got so excited about OSU, despite having to give a practice talk this Friday and a real one there next Monday, that I started looking up everything about all of Oregon.  After feasting my eyes on descriptions and photos of its rocky coastlines, alpine hikes, mountain biking, public transportation(!), and whatnot, I thought to myself, "Wow, I don't know if I've ever looked forward to anything this much."  But then, I realized that just a couple of months ago I was just as excitedly making plans for my summer in Colorado.  In the middle of new excitement for a prospective graduate school, I had completely forgotten about the excitement for something more immediate and certain in my future.  That made me feel both incredulous about what a good place in life I am in and a bit afraid that I would start taking any of these immense blessings for granted.  If enough of these exciting things happen in my life, will I stop finding them exciting?  How sad will that be?  Is this why elderly people are more chill about everything?

I don't ever want to forget about my first excitements.  In my childhood, it was my first plane ride. I remember not being able to stop grinning ear to ear on the long ride to the airport.  I was thinking about my dad telling me about his business trips abroad, and how you could see the clouds next to you and below you on an airplane.  Some people are deathly afraid of plane rides, and some just don't like them.  But I somehow guessed right that I would love them.  Twelve years and many more flights later, I still find flying exhilarating.  I brace myself for every takeoff, watch the other landing strips whoosh by, and joyfully scream inside as I feel the wheels leave the ground.  And as long as I can see something outside, I cannot sleep on a plane because I will be taking photos of clouds, mountaintops, and rivers constantly.

I hope that is the fate for all my other excitements.  I hope that is not too much for me to ask.

And So My Mind Wanders

All those grueling years of high school Spanish come in handy sometimes.

"Si Tú Me Olvidas" - Pablo Neruda

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How nice it would be to grab a Blue Moon with some orange right now, sit back, and just listen to music until the glass is empty.  First time that the thought of drinking alone had any appeal to me.

Alas, I have to go to school.  Yay Saturday.

Oh my gosh, I'm so ready for Oysterfest in two weeks.

Oregon Bound (For Now)

Unbelievable.

I will be on the West Coast in two weeks.

Corvallis, OR, overlooking Oregon State campus

This is crazy.  And awesome.

Ran around the building today.  Did silent screams and foot claps.

If my mom has been watching over me today, I know she must be having a happy birthday.

City of Roses, see you soon.

Admissions! / Microscopy Woes

Unlike on Facebook, I won't feel guilty of boasting if I post this stuff here.  Well, I guess it is technically boasting, too, but so few people read this blog -- and they do it voluntarily, I think -- that I think of it as just sharing the exciting things in my life like any other time I write on here.

Okay, so I just wrote some stuff about where I've been accepted to, but suddenly the slim possibility of people related to these schools somehow reaching my blog and reading my frank thoughts about each school dawned upon me, and I shouldn't risk that.  Darn!

Well, I'll say I am going to grad school next fall and leave it at that!  Okay, and that I am visiting Minnesota in March.  Very thankful for this.

I think it's also safe to say that, while I haven't been accepted to Oregon State, I have high hopes that I will be.

I am learning that grad school applications didn't end when I sent in all my stuff and money.  Most schools are on tight budgets, and they are very careful about whom they decide to offer admission to.  I have had lengthy phone calls and many email exchanges with prospective advisors at two schools since they reviewed my file, and neither have a definite answer for me yet.  Those interactions were just as important and nerve-wracking as the actual applications.  One has sent me a paper and former students' contacts.  I am excited to read the paper and hear the deal-io about working with him, but it's like... "Man, I thought I was done with this!" "Let me do some homework now!"... kind of, haha.  Ah, rarely is life so simple.

Yes, it is much better to be not done and potentially be in a have-to-make-decisions position than have five rejection letters (or emails -- I feel like nobody mails things anymore) in my hand and be done that way.  I do feel very fortunate, and I would be excited to go to any school I applied to.  Some more than others, of course.

Overall this is a very exciting (word of the day, y'all) time for me, and I really don't know whom to thank other than a supreme being who is in control of all that happens.  Thank you God, for giving me a direction for my path, paving that path, and giving me a light so I can walk on it.  Happily.

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I did not anticipate economic geology to take such a toll on my body.  Economic geology is also known as "ore deposits class."  We look at polished slivers of rocks from all kinds of mines under a ginormous microscope that I can barely lift out of the cabinet.  For a three-hour lab period.  Except I came in an hour early and made it four hours today.  And I came in Sunday night and spent three hours... examining three rock samples!

First, the eyes.  The different light switches in the microscope keep making me blind myself accidentally.  A rock microscope has a circular stage you rotate, which means you are constantly staring down into something either way too bright or too dim -- depending on your polarizer setting -- that is spinning. So, after blinding myself four times with sudden floods of light and watching spinning crystals intently for hours, the words in my textbook looked hazy for a few moments.  Second, I am convinced this terrible crick in my neck is from craning it to look into this really tall microscope... despite that I had been sitting on a 980-page book on my chair.  Also I've been sleep deprived, but that may or may not be because of this class.  I love geology, I promise... just not microscopes...

A view through the scope... This is the kind of rock we get our copper and nickel from.

I often can't believe that a career in geology exists.  How is it possible for something this fun to be lucrative?

So many blessings... Friends, family, learning community, nature, excitement for the future, active channeling of my passion... Heaven forbid I complain about anything in my life!

What a Year

My 2012, if not the end of the world, was an epic year.  I changed in so many ways that it might be easier to enumerate the ways I stayed the same.  But since tonight I am celebrating the submission of my first grad school app, I'm giving myself time to do both.

2009 was another year that I thought was epic.  Mom's illness and passing, high school graduation, new outlook on discipline and my purpose in the world, leaving home for college.  It's only been three years since then; so maybe epic years aren't as rare as I think.  In fact, with college graduation just over the horizon, 2013 very well may be more epic than 2012.  Nevertheless, here I go.

I am just like my 2009-2011 self in many ways.  I try to put people relationships above all else.  I consider myself an optimist.  I love to write about my thoughts.  I love to cook.  I find lame jokes hilarious.  I love school, especially when I am on break like now.  I think much about science and religion.  I believe there is a God.  Music is a large part of my life.  I have high expectations and lofty goals.

But I'm better at using and understanding sarcasm.  I like bluegrass, when the sound of mandolins and banjos used to nauseate me.  I am madly in love with the American West.  I think cities are overrated, although I've been a city girl all my life.  I like a juicy hunk of steak.  I savor going to the bathroom in the woods as a bonding experience between me and nature.  I no longer attend church, although that's not to say I will never go again.  I dance again.  I have new standards for stargazing and hiking.  I am more liberal when it comes to dating.  I'm a much better geologist, albeit still a novice.  I care less about looks but more about fitness.

All because of getting over a past relationship, turning twenty-one, the rise and fall of another relationship, interacting with many people in different ways, spending seven weeks out West, and joining the geology social circle.  And, the most first-time experiences in one year by far (out of the years I can remember, anyway) -- I could literally name dozens.

This time last year, musing about how fast 2011 was and how 2012 will be just another blink of an eye, all I hoped for was that it would be a good blink of an eye.  Filled with adventure in every sense, successes to meet the challenges, getting to know personalities new to me, new sights and tastes, natural wonder, loving family and friends, and a new perspective on the world, it was a magical blink.

And my heart still says...  Thank God.

Walking on Sunshine

Have you ever walked on sunshine?

Seen your sandaled foot hit the cracked asphalt and transform it to a brightly lit yellow path?  Felt a beam of light emanate from every step of your walk?

A surreal experience, to say the least.

I need to... go thank the Lord.

The Shawshank Thanksgiving

Finally gave this movie the quality viewing it deserves.  Wow.  It is rightfully a new member on my list of all-time favorite movies:

• The Sound of Music
• Braveheart
• Schindler's List
• Titanic
• The Lion King
• The Namesake
• The Shawshank Redemption

There are others, but I can't think of them off the top of my head.

I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head.  I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain.  I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand.  I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.  I hope.
- Morgan Freeman as Red

It's a privilege of a free person to be on a long journey with an uncertain conclusion.  And that privilege of life... merits excitement.

I have so many uncertain conclusions, so many hopes, to be excited about and thankful for.  Thank you...

I Should Show Mom

Today while procrastinating I came across a cool photo of myself.  Given my narcissistic tendencies, that is not very strange.  What is strange was how I got an urge to email that photo to Mom.  My mom never even used email (and I doubt that even if she were still alive, she would be using it).  And the frequency at which I have been having an urge to contact my mom then realizing I can't has been dropping quickly since her passing.

Strange as it might sound, it was really nice to have that experience for the first time in a while.  I take it as a sign that she is still alive in my heart and that my sub-conscience has not forgotten her presence.  I hope that, even if infrequent, I never stop having those moments.

Béla Fleck & The Marcus Roberts Trio

Last night, saw Béla Fleck in concert for the first time, and for five bucks!  He was pretty darn good as expected, but who I found really magical was Marcus Roberts.  It took me about two tunes in to realize he was blind -- duh, why would anybody play the piano with sunglasses on indoors?  The way he filled the silent hall with his solo in "That Ragtime Feeling"!  He transported me from Hodgson Hall and the surrounding people to an enchanting old-time world that he saw in his mind.  That solo was like a scene out of an inspiring movie... I almost shed a tear, haha.  It was an indescribable experience.

And the way, in another tune, Béla Fleck and Marcus Roberts diverged to this parallel-melody poly-rhythm multi-solo thing, stayed there so delicately yet fittingly, and then magically converged back to the head.  That, that blew my mind.  I had not heard of Marcus Roberts before this concert; now I'm a fan for life!

On a side note, this is -- hallelujah -- the first time in over a month that I am in "chillin'" in Athens for a whole weekend.  How sweet it is.  Although I have a **** ton to do, I took advantage of getting up whenever I wanted this morning and cooking myself an awesome breakfast.  Made hash browns from scratch for the first time, and it turned out unbelievably good!  This will be a regular breakfast item.

It was the perfect balance of crispy and soft... I want another plate

Favorite Facebook Status Ever

An acquaintance from coaching Walton Orchestra Camp a couple summers ago posted today:

Hug your family members and friends extra tight today if given the opportunity. It's hard to remember that we are not promised tomorrow in a stage of life when one is constantly thinking about the future. Enjoy life now and surround yourself with love whenever possible.

Over the years I've seen so many clever Facebook posts that made me laugh, think, etc.  Simple, relatively common message, but this is just what the doctor ordered for me tonight.  Thanks, God, the supreme being of the universe (or multiverse) who I believe does have influence on my life, for bringing me to that post after a nap.

Love conquers all.  I'm learning the meaning of that statement in a new way tonight.  It doesn't just mean that if you love somebody enough, you can sustain a relationship over years and over oceans.  It means that surrounding yourself and immersing yourself in love conquers insecurities, unnecessary competition, jealousy, disappointment, hopelessness, and the like.  It has been so difficult to remember to just love people and enjoy what I have been given lately.  It's true, I may never see anyone again tomorrow.  I may never see someone again tomorrow.  

Loving others over everything... over the splendor of nature, over eating well, over learning much, earning much, looking good, doing good...  Love conquers all.  Or better yet, we should let love conquer all.

Learning Music, Not Violin

Today's jazz class was the best we've had so far, which says a lot.  We did the most improvisation (rather than learning chords and scales) to date:  We did multiple rounds of three different tunes -- "Cherokee," "Now's the Time," and "Sonnymoon for Two" -- and had our drummer do solos for the first time!  It was marvelous.  I keep forgetting to take recordings to show friends and family.  But I will next time I get a chance!

Anyway, I left class today with the realization that I have never really learned music before.  I thought I was so "musical," having played the violin for x years, the piano for y years, played in an orchestra for z years...  But what I learned (or strived to learn) in all those years was how to play the violin well.  How to vibrato, how to move my bow, how to place my fingers, how to produce a clean tone and a perfect pitch.  How to pay attention to the conductor, how to quiet down when the cellos have the melody, how to count rests, how to help out a hopelessly lost standpartner, and, of course, how to find my way back while hopelessly lost but expertly faking.  I was trained to take the notes on a page and reproduce them exactly, to make it sound good without knowing why it sounded good.

Now I am learning how to create music, and create it instantly.  To let an idea flow directly from the jukebox and ears inside my head to my fingers and violin.  And in that process, how to shuffle a deck of notes and pull out the right cards.  How to shuffle the right deck of cards, when to pull out the cards.  It is as if I have been in Russia for years, cluelessly listening to everyone talk in Russian, and suddenly I can speak and understand it.  I am learning to actually own and use my musical instrument, instead of the other way around.

With every jazz class I attend, I get more inclined to ditch all of my other schoolwork and just practice improv all day every day.  I know that's not really what I want to do with my life, but man, how I love this!  After this semester, I will have to get some regular jam buddies from somewhere.

Mind, Body & Soul

Okay, okay, okay.  I've finally settled on my favorite music.

Practicing the pentatonic, dominant, and blues scales in every key, I have learned that "improvisation" is a predetermined set of notes that mix to produce what sounds like out-of-thin-air magic.  Jazz awakens my mind.

Driving down Lumpkin to campus this evening with Robert Randolph & the Family Band blasting, I reveled at my automatic finger-snapping and body-shaking.  Funk moves my body.

Sitting in a concert hall with eyes closed, listening to Itzhak Perlman sing the heavens with his violin, to Joshua Bell sing his heart with his, I melt and transcend.  Classical music stirs my soul.

Jazz, funk, and classical.  Mind, body, and soul.

Monday Treat

Cooked a legit dinner for the first time in too long.  After a tired Monday I am treating myself to almost two hours of cooking and eating and blogging about it.  I am satisfied...

I call this menu item "Grilled Salmononion with Kaleavalanche on Sticky Rice."

My half-eaten dinner.  It got fully eaten, don't worry.

Now... I shall spend another hour cleaning up and having froyo for dessert before I get to work.  Ahh, who says Mondays can't be fun and lazy?

JAZZ IMPROV CLASS

Now four classes in.  Omgah yes.
I improvise jazz.  It's miraculous.

Enough said.

Shenanigans

Got a brand new (and probably the most entertaining) batch of field school pictures from Chris.  Click to view in their full glory.

Yet another Mt. Shavano picture, with Chris, who took all pictures on this post.

At ~11,000 ft, the highest low country boil ever?!  (It's about 450 ft high in Georgia.)

Our classroom one morning, Valles Caldera National Preserve, NM

The class

Volcanic ash and tuff

The hills are alive -- Summitville, CO

Mr. Poopy, our ammo-can toilet.  It had a lovely view of the surrounding aspens.

Partner Ethan and I, failing to find gold.

Stream frozen/snowed over on Mt. Lincoln, CO

"I make it rain" -- virga (precipitation that doesn't reach the ground) seen from Mt. Licoln

After last day of field work, "Whoo it's 103 degrees and our professor surprised us with beer!"

Way back to the abbey

Giddy

Slept like that for a while.  Check out my dirt tan.

We actually worked every night

The day after the last day of work.  Going from left to right in the common room -- see John sleep. 

What a nasty couch I was on.

Brandon and Nick.