I'm living my dream

Why is it so much easier to complain and mope during hard times than to write inspiring words during happy times?  I have been on cloud nine for the past few weeks.  I have been wanting to write about this happiness to remind my future self and to perhaps uplift others, but unlike when I need to complain about something, I don't automatically know where to begin.

I can begin by saying this is new to me.  If you have known me during my four years of college, you will know how fraught with "failures" those years have been.  My freshman and sophomore years were filled with unsuccessful interviews and applications that almost convinced me that I'm not cut out for success or recognition.  I was afraid of wallowing in mediocrity for the rest of my life.  

Sometime between then and now, I learned that life should not and cannot be measured on a spectrum spanning You F***ed Up - Mediocre - Nobel Laureate.  I've learned that a successful life consists of --- cheese alert --- following your heart and immersing yourself in what you love to do: the thing that feeds your soul, the thing that makes you come alive.  (Aside from loving all others on this Spaceship Earth, yaddi-yadda.)  In the recent months, I have realized that the heavens up above have allowed me to pave a way toward success in that exact sense.  That is the reason for my happiness.

I will be researching earthquake geology out West with funding to spare under a prominent scientist.  Everything about that is what I have been dreaming of, both consciously and sub-consciously, for my entire college career.  This feels overwhelming, unbelievable, and right.  

I don't know what else to say.  I just know that this is a very overtly blessed time in my life.  And that I hope all my friends who are struggling to find their paths for the future can do so soon.  Take my word that if you feel crooked now, God is straightening you out.  During that process, you get pulled and squeezed and crinkled, but eventually you will become straight, and it will make you come alive, even just for a while.  

And I am taking full advantage of this while to savor life, goodness, fulfillment, excitement, and peace. Life will inevitably give me lemons again, but now I know from experience that even greater blessings will greet me afterwards.

Soul CD / Oregon in "Retrospect"

A friend told me about soul CDs last night.  You choose twelve songs that define you at the core and put them on a CD.  You can keep one as a memorabilia, trade them with friends, or just gift them.  People rarely make CDs anymore, but I think it would be cool to make one for myself.  I've made special CDs for people before, but more for the recipient, and never with the intention to define myself.  I think as a college graduation gift to myself I will make one.  It will be challenging -- twelve songs aren't a lot!

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The Oregon visit was good.  Good.  The beautiful, dynamic landscape was everything I had imagined. The people were even kinder and happier than I had imagined.  To feel like the most Southern person in a crowd was a new experience...  In that regard, I am definitely more comfortable back in Athens where half the people talk more Southern than I do.  But other than that, I almost felt like I knew I belonged there.  The active tectonic landscape -- the landscape!  Lush mountains and hills all around with giant evergreens, the Pacific coast with the white waves throwing themselves at jutting cliffs, valleys shrouded in fog, crystal-clear blue streams, and snow-capped Cascade volcanoes, all neighboring each other.  All the people there seemed to be outdoors(wo)men, whether their outlet of choice be snowboarding, skiing, surfing, hiking, paddling, or mountain biking.  Plastic bags are banned, you can literally subscribe to local agriculture for fresh seasonal produce, people bike everywhere -- refreshing things like these simply made sense.

Headed to Knoxville, TN and Minneapolis, MN this coming week.  I am forgetting to feel thankful for these opportunities but rather constantly fearing feeling too smug.  Thankfulness...  That's really where it all needs to go.  I can't lose that.

On another note, I'm thinking of making a new blog for grad school.  Should I stay on Blogger or move onto Tumblr or something else?

Admissions! / Microscopy Woes

Unlike on Facebook, I won't feel guilty of boasting if I post this stuff here.  Well, I guess it is technically boasting, too, but so few people read this blog -- and they do it voluntarily, I think -- that I think of it as just sharing the exciting things in my life like any other time I write on here.

Okay, so I just wrote some stuff about where I've been accepted to, but suddenly the slim possibility of people related to these schools somehow reaching my blog and reading my frank thoughts about each school dawned upon me, and I shouldn't risk that.  Darn!

Well, I'll say I am going to grad school next fall and leave it at that!  Okay, and that I am visiting Minnesota in March.  Very thankful for this.

I think it's also safe to say that, while I haven't been accepted to Oregon State, I have high hopes that I will be.

I am learning that grad school applications didn't end when I sent in all my stuff and money.  Most schools are on tight budgets, and they are very careful about whom they decide to offer admission to.  I have had lengthy phone calls and many email exchanges with prospective advisors at two schools since they reviewed my file, and neither have a definite answer for me yet.  Those interactions were just as important and nerve-wracking as the actual applications.  One has sent me a paper and former students' contacts.  I am excited to read the paper and hear the deal-io about working with him, but it's like... "Man, I thought I was done with this!" "Let me do some homework now!"... kind of, haha.  Ah, rarely is life so simple.

Yes, it is much better to be not done and potentially be in a have-to-make-decisions position than have five rejection letters (or emails -- I feel like nobody mails things anymore) in my hand and be done that way.  I do feel very fortunate, and I would be excited to go to any school I applied to.  Some more than others, of course.

Overall this is a very exciting (word of the day, y'all) time for me, and I really don't know whom to thank other than a supreme being who is in control of all that happens.  Thank you God, for giving me a direction for my path, paving that path, and giving me a light so I can walk on it.  Happily.

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I did not anticipate economic geology to take such a toll on my body.  Economic geology is also known as "ore deposits class."  We look at polished slivers of rocks from all kinds of mines under a ginormous microscope that I can barely lift out of the cabinet.  For a three-hour lab period.  Except I came in an hour early and made it four hours today.  And I came in Sunday night and spent three hours... examining three rock samples!

First, the eyes.  The different light switches in the microscope keep making me blind myself accidentally.  A rock microscope has a circular stage you rotate, which means you are constantly staring down into something either way too bright or too dim -- depending on your polarizer setting -- that is spinning. So, after blinding myself four times with sudden floods of light and watching spinning crystals intently for hours, the words in my textbook looked hazy for a few moments.  Second, I am convinced this terrible crick in my neck is from craning it to look into this really tall microscope... despite that I had been sitting on a 980-page book on my chair.  Also I've been sleep deprived, but that may or may not be because of this class.  I love geology, I promise... just not microscopes...

A view through the scope... This is the kind of rock we get our copper and nickel from.

What Sh*t Is Made Of

I just found myself earnestly Googling "pterosaur poop composition."  No dice, it turns out not many other people in the world are as curious about that as I am.  It says something if you need to know something that Google can't find.  But then, now there is Google Scholar...

But how do we really know?!  We would have to know what pterosaurs ate and how their digestive system worked.  With so much erased about the past, we can only make conjectures.

Everything is a guess.  What is knowledge anyway?  We really can't know anything.  Does this bed in front of me exist?  I think so, but I could not exist, and this bed might not, either.  Religion, by definition, is definite (e.g. "God exists and that's the truth; you can't disprove it"), and I think that is why people are drawn to it.

Science is futile.  Scientific method, after all, is a man-made concept.  But it's fun.  Exercising our brains to figure out things we don't need to know for basic survival is a human privilege / gift from God, and we should take advantage of it!

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"A Night in Tunisia" is a good tune... I don't know what Tunisia looks or sounds like, so to me it sounds like walking through a crowded but mellow bar with wooden furnishings in the 1930s.  Dressed in black, downing whiskey, lost in the saxophone melody...  haha!  Times like this I feel like I was born in the wrong decade.  Good thing live jazz is still around and accessible.

What a Year

My 2012, if not the end of the world, was an epic year.  I changed in so many ways that it might be easier to enumerate the ways I stayed the same.  But since tonight I am celebrating the submission of my first grad school app, I'm giving myself time to do both.

2009 was another year that I thought was epic.  Mom's illness and passing, high school graduation, new outlook on discipline and my purpose in the world, leaving home for college.  It's only been three years since then; so maybe epic years aren't as rare as I think.  In fact, with college graduation just over the horizon, 2013 very well may be more epic than 2012.  Nevertheless, here I go.

I am just like my 2009-2011 self in many ways.  I try to put people relationships above all else.  I consider myself an optimist.  I love to write about my thoughts.  I love to cook.  I find lame jokes hilarious.  I love school, especially when I am on break like now.  I think much about science and religion.  I believe there is a God.  Music is a large part of my life.  I have high expectations and lofty goals.

But I'm better at using and understanding sarcasm.  I like bluegrass, when the sound of mandolins and banjos used to nauseate me.  I am madly in love with the American West.  I think cities are overrated, although I've been a city girl all my life.  I like a juicy hunk of steak.  I savor going to the bathroom in the woods as a bonding experience between me and nature.  I no longer attend church, although that's not to say I will never go again.  I dance again.  I have new standards for stargazing and hiking.  I am more liberal when it comes to dating.  I'm a much better geologist, albeit still a novice.  I care less about looks but more about fitness.

All because of getting over a past relationship, turning twenty-one, the rise and fall of another relationship, interacting with many people in different ways, spending seven weeks out West, and joining the geology social circle.  And, the most first-time experiences in one year by far (out of the years I can remember, anyway) -- I could literally name dozens.

This time last year, musing about how fast 2011 was and how 2012 will be just another blink of an eye, all I hoped for was that it would be a good blink of an eye.  Filled with adventure in every sense, successes to meet the challenges, getting to know personalities new to me, new sights and tastes, natural wonder, loving family and friends, and a new perspective on the world, it was a magical blink.

And my heart still says...  Thank God.

Walking on Sunshine

Have you ever walked on sunshine?

Seen your sandaled foot hit the cracked asphalt and transform it to a brightly lit yellow path?  Felt a beam of light emanate from every step of your walk?

A surreal experience, to say the least.

I need to... go thank the Lord.

It's Not You, It's Me / Denver?!

"And he said, 'It's not you, it's me...'"  I remember the very first time I heard that phrase.  In some TV show or movie.  Probably in middle school.  I had to think a bit about what it meant and came to a conclusion along the lines of, "Oh I get it.  What a catchy way to say something."

Little did I know that I would use that phrase many times without ever saying the exact words, and that others would say that to me as well.  Little did I know just what a downer it is when you have to be in one of those situations.

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On a completely unrelated note, today I got a summer internship offer to work in Colorado.  Unfortunately it will be an office job, but geology-related, of course.  Just the thought of having my own place and living in Denver for a whole summer makes me willing to do almost anything!  (Colorado is my favorite state I've ever been to.)  In a way this is kind of an unbelievable dream-come-true.  The only thing is, for whatever reason, I had strong reservations about applying for the position for much of the process.  But now, after talking to my would-be boss, the position actually sounds cool and worthwhile.  I want to make sure before accepting that I am not primarily driven by the pay.  Have an honest heart-to-heart with myself.  I don't think I am.  But such a dramatic change in my attitude makes me want to double-check.

Getting offered a real internship with a real (huge) company for the first time does make me feel great.  But I have to remember to be thankful and not take credit for myself.  I've been given an incredible amount of support from my family and school, and I wouldn't be able to do anything without them.  (And I would like to thank my manager, and my husband who is watching at home...)  Also, God is trying to do something cool with my life, and I am faithful in that.  More importantly, I need to focus on grad school applications.  I think I have successfully cleared away all obstacles -- petty drama, overwhelming schoolwork, summer applications (!), excessive social activities -- now I've got no excuse!

Seasons of Life

Life is made of seasons.  Seasons never last, but they keep coming and going.  No need to think of a previous relationship as a failure because it ended.  Even successful marriages end with the death of one or both of the parties.  Afterwards, in retrospect, everything will have been something transient that colored a section of our life scroll.  With age we just collect more seasons in our memory and on our scroll.  Best to savor the current season and, if we must think of the past, think of it as a book of fond memories that each colored its own season.

Lots of fond memories.

Everything comes and goes but one thing.

Respect / Grappelli

If we truly respected the human species that the Creator made, we can't just hang out in a little bubble of like-minded people.  We can't let the fear of change keep us from continuously seeking our purpose -- diving into and wandering outside the box of our perceived identity.

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On a totally different note, I have come to the profound realization that if I want to learn to play jazz on my violin, studying a hundred trumpet and piano solos can only help me so much.  Turns out there is a small group of phenomenal jazz violinists, in whose recordings I have started to marinate my ears.  One is Stephane Grappelli.  Enjoy!  The "fun" part begins around 1:36.  In my opinion, the piano solo is what's really brilliant in this video, but here's what jazz violin sounds like anyway.

December 1, 2012

Here is to having no life until graduate school applications are all in by December 1!

Ay.  I lack purpose without God.

With so much to keep up with again, I can't help but seek God's protection and guidance.

I feel the need now, just have to reach out for Him.

The Best of Times, the Worst of Times

The best times of my life often also seem to be the worst times.  And vice versa.

I count my senior year of high school as the best of my K-12.  I used to feel a twinge of guilt every time I said that because it was also the year that my mother passed.  Indeed, her sudden illness and early death are the saddest things that ever happened to me.  But -- can I say this without being judged? -- her passing away was also wonderful, in a transcendent sense.  For the first time, our family bond was indestructible.  She said herself that it was the most she's ever felt loved and the happiest she has ever been, although I know it was also painful.  I was able to mourn and also have a blast the rest of my senior year because of the overwhelming support from friends, family, and the church community, as well as a newfound faith and comfort in the Lord.

Last winter was another such worst and best time.  I had just gotten out of the most serious relationship I'd had then and will have for a while.  But after a short (in retrospect) period of wandering and wondering, the new year began, and I was able to embrace my newfound single-hood, find a joyful network of friends, and accept the Lord's other blessings with open arms in the best calendar year of my life so far.

Field school was easily the best time.  Infinite supply of physical adventure, exhilarating tests of courage and willpower, and inspiration, beauty, learning...  But it was also the worst of times.  Yes, the the daily field work in the hot sun was difficult, but more significantly, it was probably the most loveless time of my life.  I did not connect with most people there, I found myself trying to be patient and love others but failing, I had self-image issues like never before... it was to the point where I forgot what the love and acceptance of my friends back home felt like.  Also in the midst of self-doubt and trying to fit in, my spiritual well ran dry and continues to be poorly supplied today.  Yet those six weeks were sooooo awesome that I would do it all over again -- do you see what I mean?!

So I want to remind both you and the future Na Hyung this:  Don't be afraid of the worst of times; it is almost certainly the best of times as well.  Bring forth the glimmering best times out of the worst, or wait for the best to take you over soon.  God -- I don't think He ever just leaves us with the worst.  He seems to always make it up with the best somehow.

Edmond:  I don't believe in God.
Priest:  It doesn't matter.  He believes in you.
- The Count of Monte Cristo

Large Task

Ever face a task that has become so large because you haven't done it in a while?  So you put it off because you don't feel like confronting it?  But the more you wait, the larger it becomes?  So you put it off even more?

Then you reach a point where you can't put it off anymore?

I haven't had a serious talk with God in a really long time (about a month), and it's really about time.  It's not even anything specific or especially bad or important I need to pray about, it's just that... there are so many things that need to be addressed. But I know it's always the first step to getting my life together.

In the past month I have not really invited Him to aspects of my life.  I was too preoccupied by work or petty concerns, too exhausted physically and mentally, or trying too hard to enjoy myself amongst people who did not share my values to be genuinely be in His presence.  Now that I am away from all that, with more time to myself than I know how to handle, having to decide how to spend every minute of my day instead of following an unavoidable schedule laid out for me, I find myself failing at bringing forth meaning and light from the hours and days on my own.  I need guidance badly.

Here I go.

Leaving

Oh my gosh.

I leave tomorrow.

Field school had been this elusive, exotic thing of the future for three years, and now, it's something I have to pack for today.

I have never taken a six-week trip anywhere.  And not only will I be gone, I will be the most physically uncomfortable I have been in my life.  Tomorrow night my bedroom will consist of a tent somewhere out in Arkansas.  I will have to learn not to shower for a week (a feat I haven't achieved since fourth grade).  My diet for the next three days will consist of whatever fast food we drive by.  I have never gone on a road trip lasting longer than 10 hours (and only because of traffic).  Tomorrow morning, I'll hop on a van ride that won't really end until Saturday afternoon.  And that's only the beginning.

I should probably think of it as, "I'm moving to Cañon City, Colorado for six weeks.  And while there we're going on field trips to Utah and New Mexico."

Despite Jason Jones' southern drawl repeating in my head, "It's hell," I'm excited.  I'm eager to get far away, clear my mind, stop thinking about certain things for a good while, see and touch wondrous scenery, and "become a geologist."  At the same time, I'm sure I will become homesick at times.

I'm going to be leaving with a bunch of acquaintances.  I hope that a month and a half later, I'll be returning with a good friend or two.

I just realized I won't be attending church for the next six weeks.  This makes me wish I had gone with my family last Sunday.  I hope that I'll keep my faith close throughout the trip.  Really thankful for the enormous financial providence.

This fritata is delicious.  I am going to miss my cooking.

I'll be back June 30th!

Best Years

Best year of my life so far is already a third gone...

Part of me is afraid that the best part is over.  But God, I trust that you will continue to make it the best.  And the next year, another best, and the next, yet another best, etc.  No matter what the circumstances, no matter who enters or leaves my life, no matter what... you keep everything the best.  Rather, you stay the best.  Thank you.

To Write Lines in My Head

God is awesome, I am nothing.  God is awesome, I am nothing.  All is God, none is I.  All is God, all is God, all is God...

Provision in Every Sense

God is so good.  His grace is overwhelming.  He always provides.  He always knows.  He always loves.

God, my Father of love, what can I do for You?

Home and Pensive on a Friday Night

I'm afraid I'm getting too thin...  If you looked at me, that might sound ridiculous, but I've never lived eating as little as I lately have been.  It's not fun to feel deprived of food, even by a tiny bit.

How I would love a day of doing nothing.  I don't remember the last time I spent a Saturday at home, and tomorrow won't be one, either.

This semester has continued to be the best, despite all the work piling in this month.  Thank the Lord for the enormous amount of blessings.

2/28 Deep inside a marble mine -- felt like I was on a different planet

3/9 With Tenisha, former roommate and one of my best friends, on a girls' night out

3/16 Satisfying my Five Guys craving on a lovely spring afternoon

3/23 On a double date with my dear roommate Phoeny

4/10 Friday night in with Kyle and Phoeny

Another painting I want to paint, whenever that will be:  a smiling girl walking along a sidewalk shaded by green oak trees, holding a bouquet of flowers high up with butterflies fluttering along the trail of fragrance.

Sudden Panic

Oh my gosh...

Is this what I get for being so chill and happy until now this semester??

IF ONLY money weren't a problem... If only.  When will this ever stop being the problem?  I feel like as long as I am in America without a green card, this will continue to be a problem.

God has been and will be with me at all times... yes... but what does that entail???

That I won't die doing this?  That if I do die doing this, I'll go to heaven?  That life will still be enjoyable? I can't imagine the last case...  too much work, too much schoolwork, too many commitments.  Too many people to see, too many things to do, too much money to spend...

Sigh... no more fun for me this semester.

God, please please send some scholarship money this way.
But...  if not, if not I will still be thankful for whatever reason You have and trust in You just the same, maybe more.

.... But please!!

I have been high on life nonstop since New Year's Eve.

It's been 1/4 of a year, and it's still going.  It's a nervous feeling, not knowing when I'll drop.  Nevertheless so good.

Not that I want this, but God, I'm ready for you whenever.  Good times, bad times, high times, low times, I know You are always with me.  And this time of peace and joy, I know it won't be a constant, but I am savoring every day of it.  Thank you so much.

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A change might be taking place in me.  Like a drop of red ink gradually turns a blue liquid purple...