What I lost with college

Spontaneity.  I guess most of us do at some point in our lives.  (Kind of like... virginity.  Okay that was really random.  And wasn't even funny.)  And my time was somewhere between high school and college.

Pros:
Helps you focus
The only way you can get everything on your agenda done
Leads you in a straight path to your goal

Cons:
No surprises
You become a machine
Harder to be social

We reach an age where we don't just call up somebody and say, "Hey, let's go to the movies tonight.  I feel like going to see a movie all of a sudden."  We don't because (1) it wasn't part of our schedule, and (2) it wasn't part of his/her schedule.  The only exception would be if we were feelin' really down for some reason, and the other person would go, "Oh my gosh are you okay?  Something wrong?"  Otherwise, we have to determine when we're free, call someone up, determine when they're free, and set a time days or weeks or months in advance.  So formal.  So businesslike.  But necessary.  I miss childhood.  Am I old enough to say that?  Yes, I think I'm finally old enough to say that.  (Although I'll look back at this and say, "Darn, I miss college," later I will look back and say, "Darn, I miss youth."  Then probably, "Darn, I miss my 50s," and so on.)

Already in college, it's somewhat of a dawg-eat-dawg world (haha).  We can't half-ass our work, so we can't "do work" with people expecting something amusing to happen or a great conversation to arise or a random trip to take place.  We don't have room for spontaneous intrusions!  Oh how terrible!

I don't like to plan for anything beyond the next day.  It is "necessary," so I do it, but in a way it seems futile and contradictory.  Futile because people are dynamic, and the world is dynamic, so you don't know what you're gonna want in the future. You don't know how God will change your life in the future.  And contradictory, to the mantra "live as if it's your last day"... and to:

Right now, saving anything up seems useless because what do I save for? The future? Some future purchases that are not guaranteed to even exist? The only thing that is certain in the future is death and afterlife and you can't use your saved up money there.

So should we hold love and affection back? I am by no means advocating PDA, promiscuity, etc. But what about those feelings we save up for the future? "Maybe in the future things will be less awkward." "Maybe in the future the time would be more right." No! The time is not more right in the future. Now, right now, is the most right time for everything. Love what you have and who you have right now. Show your parents some love. Don't think that it's awkward to hug and kiss them and hold their hand and tell them that you love them. Savor every warm touch of theirs on your skin because they will only be here for so many years. Tell and show the friends you value the most just how much they mean to you, and pay them back in some way as soon and often as possible.

- from February 5, 2009

How do I dig up all these entries to quote from?  I take every entry really seriously.  These are my mental records through life so far.  I have many lines I wrote ingrained in the back of my brain... oh man, if only I automatically, subconsciously memorized Bible verses or academic material like this.  Anyway, through these journal writings I'm always analyzing the patterns in my life and thinking back to past events and building on mistakes and lessons or just reminiscing and such.  Darn Korean school system did instill in me some useful habits, I guess.  I'm so psychologically dependent on this that I don't know how I would live if someone forbade me to blog or journal.  I think I would go nuts for about a year, calm down, go into depression, and repeat until I die. (I am nuts!!!!!)

What the feezy?  How did I get to that topic?  All right.  What did I lose in college.  OH I know.  Writing (yeah, I call this writing, deal with it) is the only thing I do spontaneously now.  The only thing.  And never in the past several years have I regretted spending what must be hundreds of hours every year recording my thoughts.  I am so fortunate to know such an outlet.

But that's not the main point.  Main point:  it's sad.  I don't want to be a machine.  I know I shouldn't say this but.... I don't wanna grow up!  Back in high school I didn't really know the meaning of spontaneity.  Something rare happened:  I know what something is now that I don't have it.  Oh it is hard to be a spontaneous person.  I would still like to be one without veering off the path.  Smell flowers while walking to the sky.  How?  How?  Ah, that's for another time.