The Heart of My Artichoke

Funny thing, loss...

I do not often break down and cry about it.  But when I do, I often surprise myself.  I do not need to be distressed for it to happen.  It's not mood-dependent -- what kind of a day, week, or month I'm having.  Rather, it takes a trigger at a peaceful hour.

Tonight, the trigger was a recording from Thanksgiving Day: my dad singing and playing "슬픈 계절에 만나요 (See you in the sad season)" by 백영규.  The lyrics -- I knew it was love, but I didn't know we'd have to part... I didn't know I'd keep such a sad song in my heart... -- and the oldies melody led me on a journey through YouTube searching out every Korean song from the 70s and the 80s.  (It saddens me that today's K-pop is so much better known than the really good, artful, poetic Korean music from back then.)  Next thing I know, I was digging for the specific oldies songs my mom used to enjoy.  I couldn't get enough of the warm fuzziness those songs gave me.  When I finally decided I should go to sleep, I suddenly found myself in tears.

I go through my days, walking through all the streets my mom has never walked on, driving a car she never rode, doing things she never saw me do, working toward goals she never would have expected, seeing people she never met...  There is not much room in my head to make connections between Mom and what I am doing during the day.  That's why, late at night, by myself without much stress or outside distraction, stripped to the heart of my heart, I come back to her.  And the tears and longing take me by surprise.  I realized tonight that I'm like a little kid.  I'm almost twenty-two and multiple times a year I still cry, "I want my mommy..."

I think these things that take you by surprise are what lie in the deepest parts of your heart.  Something you don't normally think about in the midst of busyness but do keep coming back to whenever you're removed from it all.  People you long for, issues that need to be addressed...